


Therapy

by Sanshal



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Aftercare, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bathing/Washing, Diapers, Dom Jensen Ackles, Dom/sub, Domestic Fluff, Feeding, Figging, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, No Sex, Non-Consensual Spanking, Object Insertion, Object Penetration, Oral Sex, Power Dynamics, Power Imbalance, Situational Humiliation, Spanking, male nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11320821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanshal/pseuds/Sanshal
Summary: Jared embarks on a D/S relationship to combat his depression.





	1. MasterPost

**Author's Note:**

> written for the spn_j2 Big bang 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared embarks on a D/S relationship to combat his depression.

** BigBang2017 **

 

  
**Jared embarks on a D/S relationship to combat his depression.**

  


 

**Author** **:** **[sanshal](http://www.livejournal.com/editjournal.bml?journal=sanshal&itemid=42108#)**  
  
**Artist : [evian_fork](http://www.livejournal.com/editjournal.bml?journal=sanshal&itemid=42108#)**  
  
**And her art is absolutely BRILLIANT!!! Fits so perfectly with the story and she was so patient with me with all my many demands. Thank you so much, Dear!**  
  
**Beta : The absolutely AMAZING [ereynolds74](http://www.livejournal.com/editjournal.bml?journal=sanshal&itemid=42108#) and _her_ friend Kit (whom, sadly; I do not know personally, but whose inputs helped me make this li'l story what it is. Thank you so much!)**  
**This story would be half of what it is without the help of these two exceptional ladies and I do not have words to express my gratitude for all their help and support. Thank you so much! Any remaining errors are mine.**  
  
**Title** **: Therapy**  
  
**Story rating** **:** **Adult themes. R.**  
  
**Pairing** : **J2**  
  
**Summary** **:** **Jared embarks on a D/S relationship to combat his depression.**  
  
**Warnings** : **There are instances of male-nudity, and (because of the theme) descriptions of power-imbalance. Also mentioned are one incident (each) of spanking, diapering, figging and past/off-screen, but referenced instance of self-harm. References to past dub-con. Jared suffers from self-hate/ excessive guilt and self-image issues. Unevenly sized chapters. Some language. ... and I think that covers it? (if not, please feel free to give me a shout-out and I'll make changes as required.)**

 

**Hope you enjoy!**


	2. 1

**Therapy**

**Chapter: 1.**

  

  
Jared tugged restlessly at the white satin ribbon loosely cinched into a collar at his neck for the umpteenth time as he sat at the bar sipping sparkling water. He knew his friends were somewhere behind him and he had agreed to this... but still, sitting on that stool with a literal ‘ _I’m available’_ sign ‘round his neck was disconcerting.  
  
“How’re you doing, Sugar?” A gravelly voice drawled as a warm hand landed on his shoulder.  
  
He looked up in surprise to see the beefy man take a spot next to him. The man’s hand trailed down his shoulder to his arm and then flitted to rest on his thigh as he rounded him to lean against the counter. Jared shifted uncomfortably at intrusion into his personal space and mutely plucked the envelope tucked into his back-pocket to offer to the stranger.  
  
“What’s this?”  
  
The man’s face twisted in disgust as he skimmed through the paper before he snarled a _‘f-ing tease’_ at him and stormed off; the paper fluttering to the ground in his wake.  
  
Jared’s face reddened with embarrassment as he retrieved the paper and resumed his seat. It wasn’t long before he had fresh company. Once more he handed his piece of paper and watched as the grey eyed man perused it carefully.  
  
“Ah... I’m sorry, Sweetheart. Don’t really have the time to break in someone new at the moment.  Wish you all the best in your search, though. I’m sure you’ll find someone here, take care.”  
  
He endured seven more rejections in the next hour and a half- his heart sinking with each fresh refusal. Not all of them were rude, but the three that were... well, let’s just say that if he hadn’t been out and in a public place, he would have hidden himself under a pile of blankets and just wept.  
  
It was nearing the two hour mark when Jeff came over. Of course, Jared didn’t know his name then; and he offered the older- _but still handsome-_ man the same paper he had handed nine times already since taking his seat at the corner of the bar and the man had just smirked.  
  
“Want to break the rules, Son?” the man had whispered with a leer, eyes already undressing him and Jared had smelled the whiskey on him. He had scrambled back in horror, unsure about how to handle a guy as big as Jeff... if wasn’t like he was small himself. At 6.5” he was taller than the older man, but he had never fought a day in his life and Jeff looked like someone who knew how to throw a punch.  
  
In the end, he would be eternally gratefully to Samantha who had noticed his terror and bullied the older man away. She had returned and apologised for Jeff- her friend, as she explained- a good guy even if he did come on a bit too strong at times. Her eyes had shone with interest and for the first time, Jared had felt a spike of hope in the evening. He offered her the letter and waited while she read it. She asked him to follow her and his heart leaped... till he realized she was just taking him to a quiet- _empty-_ corner. She asked him to remove his shoes and he obeyed.  
  
She guided him to the corner with his back to the wall and told him to kow-tow.  
  
At his blank expression, she shook her head fondly and told him to kneel, then bend forward till his head was resting between his forearms. She crouched and carefully slipped the folded paper under his fingers, explaining that he would have more luck this way.  
  
He found himself tense and unable to relax initially but as the minutes drifted, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in his head. He was lost in his thoughts when he heard a throat being cleared and then the soft enquiry of ‘ _May I?’_ as fingers rested on the paper under his fingers.  
  
He lifted his hand slightly but didn’t move more than that.  
  
“Can you look at me, Jared?”  
  
He glanced up in surprise at the use of his name and found himself blinking up at a pair of the greenest eyes he had ever seen. _The guy obviously had fabulous contacts._  
  
“Can you stand?” The man enquired, offering a hand as he straightened from his crouch.  
  
Jared accepted the offered hand more in surprise than actual need before nearly collapsing in surprise as pins and needles ran up his legs.  
  
“You held position for a good twenty minutes. Take your time.” Green-eyed guy murmured; taking his weight easily as Jared held on.  
  
He licked his lips, but hesitated before actually giving voice to his question.  
  
The man only smiled, “You may speak.”  
  
Jared stared in surprise. Of all the people who had spoken to him today, no one had really noticed that he only answered direct questions.  
  
“How –how did you know my name?”  
  
The man’s eyes narrowed, “It was mentioned in your letter. Haven’t you read it yourself?”  
  
He shook his head and jumped when the man cursed under his breath. “Are you being forced into this, Jared?”  
  
“N-no.”  
  
“Alright, then.” The man accepted his answer easily, “Let’s find your friends. Where are they?”  
  
Jared led the way as they walked over to Chad and his cousin.  
  
“Do you think you can handle some more time on your knees?” The man questioned softly once introductions were made.  
  
Jared swallowed but wordlessly sank to his knees next to the green eyed man, relaxing ever so slightly at the murmured ‘ _Good boy’_ that earned him.  
  
“So, this is going to be an experiment?” The man began.  
  
“We still don’t know your name,” Chad pointed out.  
  
“My apologies,” The man answered, “I’m Jensen Ackles.”  
  
\---


	3. MasterPost

**Therapy**   
**Chapter:2**

  


Jared took in the apartment as they walked in, smiling shyly at Jensen.

 

“Guys, make yourselves comfortable. Jared, could you please follow me?”

 

He shot a bewildered look at his friends before following the older man deeper into the house. He stepped through the door the man was holding open and then jumped when it was shut and locked behind them.

 

“Jared, if you are being forced into this in any shape or form, you need to tell me now.”

 

“I’m not!”

 

“No one’s blackmailing or threatening you? Nothing?”

 

“No!”

 

“You’re here of your own free will?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“ _Jared_!” The man snapped.

 

He jumped.

 

“Answer the question. _Please.”_

 

“Yeah, I mean... I- I was upset... like Chad told you. And so he took me to his cousin who’s studying psychology. And he suggested ...this.” He shrugged again.

 

Jensen studied him quietly for a few minutes before nodding, “Fine. But you know what this... _study_ will entail, right?”

 

He swallowed but nodded, then remembered to answer aloud, “Yes. I- I think so.”

 

“Turn around, kneel in front of the mirror.”

 

Jared shot him a disbelieving look but followed the directive nonetheless.

 

Jensen followed him, stepped up to crouch behind him so that they were pressed chest-to-back, “This okay?”

 

He nodded, stiffening slightly.

 

“Look at me, Jared. Not the floor. Meet my eyes in the reflection.”

 

He bit his lip and looked up till he could see them as they were, and watched wide-eyed as Jensen slowly trailed his fingers down Jared’s arms till they were entwined with his. “This okay?”

 

He nodded again, throat dry.

 

Jensen smiled. “Good.”

 

The man moved his fingers to lightly stroke at his palm before moving them up his arms, and then down again; repeating the motion till Jared felt himself relaxing incrementally. He watched, baffled, as the man retrieved two pages and a pen, “Please fill these. Call me once you’re done.”

 

Jared looked down at the papers in his hand: One read: _Describe yourself_ and the other: _Write a few lines about what you expect from this ‘relationship’._

 

 

He was done in under five minutes.

 

***

 

He bit his lip anxiously as he watched Jensen frown as the Dom read through his responses.

 

“Okay, let’s see if this helps... take off your clothes.”

 

“What?!” Jared yelped, taking a step backwards instinctively.

 

“Strip,” Jensen repeated.

 

“Pl-please...” Jared whispered, lower-lip trembling as he wrestled with the humiliation of the situation.

 

Jensen shook his head, “ _Do it._ Your other option is to say your surname in case you want to back out right now.”

 

Jared shook his head desperately, arms rising to hug himself automatically.

 

“Oh, Sweetheart...” Jensen whispered as he took in the younger man’s reaction, “It’s okay... Sshhh... Calm down. It’s okay, alright? This is not a punishment, you’re okay. I’m here... you’re okay.”

 

Jared sucked in gasping breaths and managed a tremulous nod.

 

The Dom’s eyes softened, “C’mere.”

 

He stepped forward hesitantly, blushing when Jensen reached out to draw him closer and then gently guided him to sit on the bed and crouched before him. The Dom traced a gentle line from the centre of his forehead to his left temple and down the curve of his cheek to his chin with his fingers and Jared found himself leaning into the touch.

 

“I apologise for scaring you. That was not my intention.”

 

“It’s okay,” He whispered, calming some now that there was no immediate threat of being disrobed.

 

“Jared, you told me that you’re not being forced into this-”

 

“I’m not!”

 

“Good, that’s good. Are- Have you read the agreement Cooper drew up for our... uhm... association?”

 

He gave a stilted nod. Chad’s cousin had shown him a bundle of pages and he _had_ skimmed through it. He now found himself wondering if he should have looked at it more carefully.

 

“Perfect,” Jensen agreed without argument, “Then you are aware that you are required to be open with me?”

 

He nodded uncertainly.

 

“Great. Now, when I say ‘open’ I _mean_ it Sweetheart: open in every way; be it physical or mental-”

 

Jared sucked in a sharp breath at the explanation.

 

Jensen chuckled softly, “You are welcome to back out whenever-”

 

He shook his head instantly, not wanting to lose this opportunity.

 

“No? Then how about this- I like my subs naked. The power imbalance excites me.”

 

Jared swallowed nervously at the admission, peeking from behind his bangs at the Dom only to find the man already looking back at him, “I’m not going to assault you or _do_ anything to you without your explicit consent... but I’d like you naked... _at least initially_ , call it a personal preference if you will.”

 

Jared dropped his gaze, unable to hold on to those perceptive green eyes.

 

Jensen cupped a finger underneath his jaw to raise his head, “I’m not asking it because it titillates me or anything... I mean yes, the view is, quite frankly _amazing_ ; but the reason I ask for this is because I’ve found it to be an excellent trust exercise: once you’re naked and vulnerable, it’s very hard to hold on to your mental walls, you know? And if I am to be an effective Dominant, I _need_ my sub to be open with me.”

 

Jared gave a stilted nod of understanding as he brought up trembling fingers to his over shirt and slipped the garment off...  then his under shirt. He met Jensen’s eyes when he reached for his belt and bit his lip at the tiny nod.

 

“That’s enough for now, thank you. ... Such a good boy for me.” Jensen told him once he had stepped out of the pooled denim at his feet. The man bit his lip to stifle an obvious laugh when his eyes spotted the tiny rend in the fabric of his underwear at his butt and shook his head fondly.

 

“You may borrow one of mine for now, but next time, please ensure that your underwear doesn’t have holes,” 

 

Jared turned a deep scarlet as the man’s words registered even as he caught the tossed black boxer briefs. Jensen turned his back and Jared hurriedly changed into the fresh pair.

 

“How’re you feeling?”

 

“Embarrassed,” He admitted, struggling to hold back his tears.

 

“Good,” Jensen nodded. “Now, I want you to be completely clear on what will be happening here, provided you consent, of course: you are very obviously shy and a BDSM relationship- _well not the ‘SM’ part, obviously;_ is extremely physical. You will regularly find yourself in your underwear and sometimes even without. I’m not saying this to frighten you, but for you to understand what you are agreeing to, _if_ you sign that document downstairs. If you agree to be my sub, I _will_ be touching you intimately. You will call me Sir or Master and I will demand complete obedience. Noncompliance of orders will be dealt with severely-”

 

Jared’s brows furrowed.

 

Jensen’s lips tilted upwards in a smirk at his confusion, “I mean punishment, Sweetheart. I will punish you... You will take what I give you and submit to _my_ will. Am I clear?”

 

Jared nodded slowly.

 

“Any questions?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Sweetheart, _this_ is your only option to speak up, alright? If you want to change something in that document or have questions or... well, anything, really... this is the time, okay?”

 

Jared considered it. He wasn’t exactly _comfortable_ being the only one naked, but what Jensen said made sense. Besides, it wasn’t like he had a better option. “I’m good.”

 

Jensen regarded him wordlessly for a moment, a barely there smile playing at his lips, but didn’t comment. “Okay... Alright then, coming to what you wrote here, saying you are twenty-two and an actor is not ‘ _describing yourself’_.  Your other paper was better, but saying you want to be ‘better’ doesn’t clarify anything. Better at _what_? Do you understand what I’m saying?”

 

He nodded.

 

Jensen smiled wider, “Good. Shall we try this again, then?”

 

Jared bit his lips, not answering.

 

“Jared?”

 

“Can... can I put on my clothes again? Please?”

 

“No,” Jensen answered. Apparently something of his discomfort must have come across on his face because the man continued, “That’s the whole point of this exercise, Jared...  You shall be stripped naked in front of me, Kiddo. Both metaphorically _and_ literally.”

 

His breath hitched.

 

The man’s eyes softened, “Does the thought make you uncomfortable?”

 

He lifted one shoulder in a shrug, trying to appear casual even as his heart raced.

 

Jensen shook his head, ducking it slightly before raising it again to meet Jared’s eyes. A smile lurked on his lips as he stalked forward, his movements predatory.

 

Jared stiffened his spine and held his ground, struggling to slip into his professional mindset where he could play any character.

 

“Don’t,” Jensen murmured, raising his hands slowly enough to telegraph every move as he flattened it against Jared’s chest.

 

His breath escaped in a soft exhale at the contact.

 

“Your heart’s hammering like you’ve run a marathon.”

 

Jared lowered his head, ashamed to have been caught out.

 

“Stop,” Jensen growled, the vehemence in the words making him jerk his head up again to meet the jade eyes. “You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, Kiddo.” He reassured, his thumb drawing tight little circles on his pectoral, a hypnotic movement Jared found himself reluctantly relaxing into.

 

“You’re so responsive...” Jensen whispered, “So beautiful for me.”

 

He risked raising his head a little higher at that to meet the green gaze.

 

“Don’t ever try to hide from me, okay?” The man told him, “I _will_ be asking you things that you may not be comfortable divulging... but I want you to try, alright? But I also want _only_ the truth from you. If you’d rather not reveal something, that’s fine too; but you need to tell me that... if possible, explain _why_ you can’t share something.”

 

Jared nodded.

 

“Your heart-rate’s slowing down.” Jensen noticed, “ _Good.”_

 

 

He blushed.

 

“Look, I cannot promise that I won’t do something you’re not comfortable with, okay?  Because I will...and- and I’ll need you to tell me when that happens and to explain why. I _can_ , however, promise that whatever you share with me will be completely private, alright? I shall never use it against you nor shall I go to the paparazzi with it. I will never break your confidences... but I _will_ break you-”

 

He gasped, taken aback.

 

Jensen only smiled at his reaction, apparently having expected it:  “But I shall also put you back together again. Make you whole.”

 

Jared nodded, offering a tiny a smile of his own.

 

“Ready to try again?” Jensen waited for his nod before continuing, “Great. Call me when you’re done.”

 

Jared was far more careful about his answers this time and though he found himself debating endlessly about what he had revealed, Jensen’s tiny smile as he read through the answers relaxed him.

 

“Alright... so. Let’s head downstairs, shall we?”

 

Jared blanched.

 

“Uncomfortable?”

 

He hesitated, then gave a single sharp nod.

 

Jensen hummed low in his throat as his eyes roved over Jared’s form, “You may pull on your clothes... just leave your shoes off.”

 

“Yes, Sir” Jared whispered gratefully.

 

Jensen’s fingers were on his lips in a flash, “Not yet, Jared.”

 

“What?”

 

“ _Not Yet._ I haven’t agreed to be your Dom yet. _”_

 

His mouth dropped open in surprise. Jensen just smiled and waved at him to continue.

 

Jared pulled on his tee shirt and hesitated with his fingers pressed against the waistband of his borrowed underwear, a question in his eyes.

 

“Leave it on for now,” Jensen answered the unspoken question. “That reminds me; please wear either briefs or boxer-briefs for our sessions. I’ll need to be able to see you... So nothing too loose fitting, okay?”

 

Jared swallowed but nodded his understanding.

 

“And carry a pair of comfortable sweats and a tee shirt.”

 

He nodded again.

 

“Done?”

 

‘’Hmmm?”

 

“Ready to head downstairs?”

 

Jared shrugged.

 

Jensen led him downstairs with a hand on the small of his back, the touch strangely comforting. “Think you can manage kneeling again?”

 

Jared dropped to his knees on the soft rug indicated, the tips of his ears tinted pink as he noticed Chad’s wide eyes.

 

“I’m going to go over a list of questions and I’d prefer them to be answered by Jared primarily, but you guys are welcome to pitch in.

 

“Okay, first question, given the nature of ... of what a BDSM relationship is normally about, I need to know how comfortable you are with the sexual aspects of it.”

 

“What?” Jared squeaked- there was no better word for the high pitched sound that left his throat.

 

Jensen’s lips curled up in a slow smile.”Are you currently in a relationship, Jared?”

 

“He’s just recovering from a break-up,” Chad answered for him when the silence dragged for a minute too long.

 

“Bad one?” Jensen’s brows danced up towards his hairline. Jared noticed that the question was aimed at Chad instead of him.

 

His friend answered with a curt nod.

 

“Okay...” The Dom made a notation in his diary before glancing up to meet Jared’s eyes again, “So this might be a little too late to ask, but are you straight?”

 

Jared opened his mouth to respond then hesitated. At Jensen’s quirked eyebrow, he gave a quick nod before biting his lip.

 

“Alright, so gay or bi?”

 

“Bi,” Jared whispered, cheeks heated.

 

“I’m guessing you’re still not out of the closet?”

 

“My – my job...”

 

“Right,” Jensen nodded crisply, no censure in his tone or in his eyes. “Its fine, Jared. I’m just trying to get a feel of what you need from me,”

 

“We already discussed that-” Cooper spoke up.

 

“Didn’t realize that your name was Jared,” Jensen returned scathingly, but his eyes were soft again when they returned to Jared. “Are you planning to begin a relationship while we’re still doing this experiment?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“Huh,” Jensen nodded as though a shrug was a perfectly acceptable answer. “So... I was thinking... I’m going to keep this predominantly non-sexual. You may feel sexual arousal- might even climax from some of the things I’ve planned, but I am not going to have penetrative sex with you. I may use a dildo or something similar, and maybe my fingers, but at no point am I going to have sexual intercourse with you. Are those terms agreeable?”

 

Jared’s mouth opened slightly at the words in mortification but Chad saved him from having to respond: “Guess we’re going to be seeing a lot of your tush, Jaybird.  Good thing you’re pretty to look at, huh?”

 

“ _NO_.” Jensen’s response was immediate and vehement, making all eyes turn to him instantly, “I don’t do _demonstrations_. Whatever happens will be conducted between me and Jared privately-”

 

“But you agreed-” Cooper began.

 

“Tell me something,” Jensen interrupted, green eyes glittering furiously, “Are you more interested in conducting your experiment about the _therapeutic effectiveness_ of a D-S relationship or are you more interested in getting a demonstration of what happens between a Dom and their Sub.”

 

“Can’t I be interested in both?” Cooper challenged daringly.

 

“Not here, you can’t.”  Jensen answered, absently cupping the back of Jared’s head and rubbing circles with his thumb at his nape. The actor instinctively shuffled closer so that he could press his cheek against the warm denim of Jensen’s thigh. He wasn’t sure why it felt so safe to be pressed up against this virtual stranger, but he did. Jensen began running his fingers through Jared’s hair as he raised his head to look at Cooper again. “Demonstrations are given every Thursday night at the club; if you want, you may watch those... But _I_ do not perform for an audience and I shall not expose my sub to that either.”

 

The firmness of the voice had Cooper’s mouth shutting with a snap as he nodded reluctantly. “But-”

 

Jensen just raised an eyebrow, his fingers not stopping where they were buried in Jared’s hair, stroking absently: “Yes?”

 

“I need the details for my research, so... umm?”

 

Jensen nodded his understanding, “We... or he alone, if he prefers; shall you meet once a fortnight and update you on our progress. I will not divulge the exact methods of my sessions with Jared, but he is welcome to share with you as much as he feels comfortable. I cannot promise you photographic evidence because that would mean a level of privacy violation that I’m uncomfortable with, but wherever possible, I shall try. _Provided-”_ Jensen held up a hand to stop Cooper’s words of gratitude, “Jared approves of them.”

 

Cowed into submission, both Chad and Cooper rose to take their leave, Jared nuzzled his scratchy cheek against the rough denim one last time before pulling back. “Would you care to stay?” Jensen questioned softly.

 

Jared opened his mouth twice and closed it before saying anything before finally shrugging and glancing towards Chad.

 

“You want him to stay back now?”The blond questioned, clearly having no trouble reading Jared’s wordless cues.

 

Jensen glanced back once at Jared before responding, “I’d like to begin the sessions proper over the weekend so that Jared has ample time to recuperate... but yes, unless you have something else scheduled, I’d like to conduct an introductory session now, _if_ it’s alright with Jared?”

 

 

Jared didn’t know why it gave him a warm feeling to have Jensen catering to him but it did. He blushed as he nodded.

 

“Do you have something planned for tomorrow?”

 

He shook his head wordlessly.

 

“Okay, then. Let’s do this.”

 

“He doesn’t have any stuff with him,” Chad inserted.

 

“He doesn’t require anything,” Jensen answered, “And I’ll handle what little he might need.”

 

Understanding seemed to dawn on the blonds’ face as he jerked his head sharply in acknowledgement, “Great, so... tomorrow?”

 

Jensen’s brow tugged up as a proprietary hand came to rest on Jared’s back, “Tomorrow?”

 

“We drove here together in my car so he doesn’t have-”

 

“I shall be driving him,” Jensen interrupted, “When I say I take responsibility for him, I mean that in every sense, Mr. Murray. I shall not leave Jared stranded or unattended and vulnerable while he’s under my care.”

 

Cooper’s eyes widened, “Is- is that-... is that a Dom thing?”

 

Jensen smiled wryly, “It’s a _human_ thing.”

 

“Right... uhm... So I guess we’ll be seeing you later then, guys. Have a good time, Jared!”

 

Chad paused to muscle past Jensen and pull his taller friend into a hug, rising up on his toes to whisper softly, “From what I’ve heard, you can trust him, Jaybird. But in case you need me, just call. Okay? I mean it... _Anytime.”_

 

 

Jared nodded and smiled, grateful to have such dedicated friends as he watched them leave. Jensen’s hand returned the moment Chad stepped away and slowly slipped down till it was resting on the small of his back as they saw his guests to the door, disappearing only to close and lock the door and returning again to guide Jared back inside.  
  
\---[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/42784.html)

 


	4. Chapter 2. Part 2: sanshal

Continued....

[ **NSFW chapter header ** ]

 

  
“Ready?”

 

Jared shivered, whether in anticipation or trepidation was anybody’s guess.

 

“First things first: _Strip_.”

 

Jared mouth opened in a soft ‘o’ of surprise. _Despite Jensen telling him that Jared would be mostly in the nude during their sessions, it was still something of a surprise to be ordered to undress so blithely._

 

“I mean it, Kiddo. You will never hide while you’re with me, neither your body nor your reactions. Understand?”

 

Jared swallowed uneasily.

 

The Dom seemed to understand his hesitance: “You may leave your boxer’s on, _for now_. I’ve already closed the drapes so that no pesky paparazzi violate your privacy- I told you before and I’ll tell you again, your submission is a gift. I shall never use any of what you share with me against you, nor shall I make any of this knowledge public. Additionally, I prefer to conduct sessions privately. So if you are an exhibitionist, this is where I need you to tell me.”

 

Jared stared back at the man blankly, his brows furrowed in confusion. “I- I am unfamiliar with that term...?”

 

“Exhibitionism?” Jensen questioned, continuing at his nod, “It refers to when a person finds sexual gratification from being ogled at. The reverse of voyeurism, if you will.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“So... are you?”

 

He shook his head instantly, cheeks heating at the mere _thought_ of being viewed like that.

 

“I suspected as much.” Jensen smiled and waved his hand, “Go on”

 

Jared went beet-red, but slowly began the arduous process of carefully undoing each button with his trembling fingers to shrug out of his button-down.

 

“Not performing a striptease, Jared.” Jensen reprimanded lightly.

 

Jared jumped at the critique; hurriedly abandoning his efforts to undo each button and simply pulling it up and off over his head. He pushed down his denims and stood waiting for his next order.

 

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice was even.

 

He peeked up from behind his bangs, catching the visible displeasure in the Dom’s eyes and his pointed glance towards the puddle of clothing.

 

“S-so-sorry.” He stammered, crouching to collect the abandoned clothes and balling them up.

 

“Is that how you keep your clothes?” The question was sharp, cutting through the silence like a whip.

 

He swallowed and shot an uncertain glance towards the man.

 

Jensen sighed, “Fold them. _Properly.”_

 

“Yes Sir,”

 

The Dom’s lips tilted up in an unexpected smile. “Relax and fold your clothes, Jared. You’re doing fine.”

 

“Yes Sir,” Jared repeated, taking a few deep breaths to centre himself before turning to the assigned task. Once all the clothes had been neatly folded an placed on a small side-table in the room’s corner, Jared returned to his spot to await further orders, something warm and happy unfurling inside him at the murmured ‘ _Good boy’._ For a long minute nothing happened and he slipped a little more into the soft feeling.

 

“Alright,” Jensen clapped his hands once, making Jared jump at the sharp sound. The Dom shot the man an apologetic look at his reaction and continued, “So what I wanted to establish today was trust.”

 

Jared made an enquiring sound.

 

Jensen began counting off on his fingers, “Generally, a D-S relationship happens when either ‘ _A_ ’, two people know each other for a long time and trust each other enough to attempt a foray into the world of dominance and submission...Usually more as a result of wanting to spice up their sex life than anything serious.”

 

Jared nodded.

 

“Or ‘ _B_ ’, a person _knows_ he’s a submissive and seeks out a dominant to act out those fantasies. Generally speaking, this route is usually opted for only by the hard-core subs. Or there is option ‘C’, where an inquisitive soul blunders in and wants to try a scene just to satisfy their curiosity.”

 

Jared jerked his head in acknowledgement.

 

“Now, from where I stand, none of these cases apply to you, do they?”

 

Jared blushed as he shook his head.

 

“You don’t speak much, do you?” Jensen asked softly before continuing, “Anyway, as I was saying, from as much as I can figure it out, you’ve been dropped into the deep-end blind. Am I right?”

 

Jared shrugged then blushed, “I – I don’t know what you mean by that.”

 

Jensen smiled, finally taking a seat on the couch and beckoning at Jared to kneel between his spread legs, his fingers winding into the actor’s hair almost as soon as they were both settled, “You and I are not long-term partners, Jared. Hell, you don’t know me from Adam.”

 

Jared nuzzled the denim-clad thigh, “I trust you,”

 

“And I thank you for at least saying that, but you don’t. ... You may want to, but you just don’t know me enough _yet_ to be able to trust me like that, Kiddo.”

 

Jared made a soft sad noise in response and Jensen chuckled, “I’m hoping to amend that, Sweetheart... anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, uhm... so, not partners. And you’re not an established sub either... Do you know what you want, Kiddo?”

 

Jared shook his head.

 

“Okay... can I ask what made you try this?”

 

“Coop said it would help.”

 

“Help what?”

 

He struggled to find a proper response but ultimately settled on: “Me.”

 

“Exactly,” Jensen smiled, “Did you at least read up on this before agreeing to be his experimental subject?”

 

Jared blushed.

 

“Abhor reading?”

 

“No-...no! Not at all.”

  

“Then?”

 

“I-” He sighed, “I was desperate, Jen.”

 

Silence reigned for a blessed minute before Jensen spoke, “ _Jen_?”

 

Jared flushed crimson, “I’m sorry...”

 

The fingers restarted their combing through his tangled hair, “Its fine, Kiddo. Whatever you need.”

 

Jared hummed and closed his eyes, “Thank you,”

 

“Can I ask why you didn’t seek help via any of the traditional routes instead of resorting to this?”

 

“My career,”

 

Jensen frowned, “I’m not sure I follow,”

 

“I’m an actor Jen... and-and- I want to – I _hope_ to do something more than play the sixth lead on a multi-lead show... if-if news about my depression were to leak out, no one would hire me.”

 

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

“No one wants to bother with a lanky tall guy who can barely act _and_ may have mental issues!”

 

Jensen raised an eyebrow at his outburst and Jared flushed. “Sor-sorry.”

 

The Dom shook his head, “There was a lot to contemplate about in that pretty little speech, Sweetheart, and I’ll come to that in a moment... but is your career more important than your health?”

 

“I-” He sighed, unable to finish and then shook his head, dashing a hand against his cheeks to swipe at the tears which had leaked out. “ _Please.”_

 

“Hush...you’re okay...” Jensen soothed instantly.

 

Jared smiled up wanly from behind red-rimmed eyes.

 

“Alright, I won’t pry... but tell me this; if I ask you to read something, would you?”

 

“Homework?” Jared asked, voice slightly raspy still, but passable.

 

Jensen pulled back lightly as he considered it, “Yes, I guess you could say that. Now, you don’t _have_ to read it, but it’ll help understand what I’m hoping to achieve with our sessions.”

 

“Okay.” Jared agreed. If he could read pages of script and do background research to get under the skin of a character he was hoping to portray; he could make time for a textbook on Dominance and Submission too.

 

“Cheer up,” Jensen tapped his cheek gently, “It’s a story... a romance, if you will. And uhm... it’s actually a work of transformative fiction, so you may find it slightly amateurish. But... uh- yeah, it’s well written and should serve as a good primer for your foray into this world. If nothing else, it’ll give you an idea about a few of your options and whether or not you would like to try something similar. And before I forget, the protagonist shares your first name, so you might find it easier to visualize the scenes.”

 

Jared blushed, “Sure, sounds interesting... what’s the name?”

 

#### “It’s [If I Fall Will You Catch Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5738209) by [everydaysoul](http://archiveofourown.org/users/everydaysoul/pseuds/everydaysoul)”

“I’ll check it out,” He promised.

 

“I’ll email you the link.” Jensen accepted, then; with a careful hand to Jared’s chest, moved him slightly back and headed to the kitchen, “Any food allergies I should know about?”

 

“No,”

 

“Dislikes? Or things you’re avoiding because of your diet?”

 

“How’d you know about my diet?” He asked, taken aback.

 

“Well, you’re an actor... which makes keeping in top physical shape part of the job description, I suspect.”

 

Jared smiled, “You suspected right.”

 

Jensen glanced over his shoulder to smirk at him, “So?”

 

“Not really too picky about what I eat... just make sure it doesn’t have too much fat in it.”

 

The Dom didn’t say anything but the downward tilt to his lips had Jared instantly wanting to please the man and erase the frown. He replayed his words and bit his lip, “Umm...I mean, please, Sir?”

 

“Good boy,” The Dom met his eyes as he praised him for correcting his behaviour and nodded to himself as he opened the refrigerator to pull out vegetables and Jared craned his neck to see what was being prepared but couldn’t make out anything from his kneeling position next to the couch. He just watched the man move around the small space with a fluidity borne of practice and tried to guess what was being rustled up from the kitchen sounds. It wasn’t long before the older man returned but Jared frowned as he noticed that he held just one large plate.

 

“Trust me?”

 

“Sure,” He returned uneasily.

 

Jensen grinned and pulled out a long, _wide_ ribbon from his back pocket.

 

Jared groaned, “Seriously?”

 

“Well, I did say we’d be doing a few trust exercises.”

 

The world went dark as the soft satin was carefully fastened around his eyes. They weren’t too tight, but they did not allow in any light beyond the dim hint of some kind of illumination either.

 

“Alright, open your mouth,”

 

Jared did and grinned at the perfect forkful of salad that was carefully offered to him. Chewing slowly, he couldn’t help but smile up in the direct (he hoped) of his host, “It’s good,”

 

“Thank you,” Jensen acknowledged and pressed something smooth and round to the seam of his lips.

 

Jared opened obediently and smiled as the tartness of the grape burst over his tongue. His next bite was more salad, followed by just a spoonful of creamy mayonnaise. There was no conversation as he was carefully fed one bite at a time and once he was done with his share of salad; his lips were dabbed with a moist napkin. And then he was fed a dessert composed of ice-cream, wafers strips, chocolate-coated butter-cookies and caramelized nuts and raisins. He wished he could have seen what it looked as a whole, but being made to guess what he would get in the next bite was fun too.

 

When the blindfold was finally unwound from around his eyes, he blinked lazily up at his ‘dominant’.

 

“Relaxed?”

 

“Mm-hmm,”

 

“Good.” Jensen smiled, “Now I want you to head on upstairs and treat yourself to a nice warm shower. Once you’re done, you are to dry yourself, pull on your boxers, finish whatever you need to do in the bathroom and lay down on your front on the bed.”

 

“Yes Sir,”

 

“Since you are being so good, I think you deserve a treat: Would you like to share the bed with me tonight or would you prefer to sleep alone?”

 

Jared licked his lips as he contemplated his options: he had always slept alone, but he did feel comfortable with the older man, “You. I’d prefer to spend the night with you, Sir.”

 

Jensen seemed to understand that he was taking a gamble here and stroked his head once to calm him, “I promise I shall not try anything,”

 

Jared blushed and lumbered up to his feet, groaning a little as pins and needles flared up from having been stationary for so long. Jensen shook his head and had him sit next to him while swiftly massaging the tingling limbs.

 

A little later, once he was done with his shower, Jared turned his head to watch the older man’s approach as he lay supine on the wide bed, jumping slightly at the playful smack to his bottom.

 

“Eyes forward.”

 

“S’rry,” He mumbled, burying his smile against the pillow. When a warm palm curled around his calf, he was proud to say that he didn’t even twitch.

 

“Looking pretty stiff there, Sweetheart.”

 

“What?”

 

“Your muscles are all pulled taut. You nervous?”

 

“No,” He answered honestly, “Just anxious, I guess.”

 

“I already promised to be on my best behaviour,” Jensen reminded. “What’re you anxious about?”

 

He shrugged, “Sharing, I guess.”

 

“Sleep alone?”

 

“Yeah,”

 

“What- what ‘bout when you were in a relationship?”

 

“Uhm... she- she didn’t like anybody crowding into her space. Said it ruined her beauty sleep.”

 

“I see. And you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“Do you _like_ sleeping alone?”

 

“It’s what I know,”

 

Jensen hummed, fingers moving aimlessly over Jared’s exposed skin as he pondered about that. “Alright, I think a massage will help loosen you somewhat.”

 

“What?”

 

“A massage. You object?”

 

“Uh... no. ... and umm, thanks, I guess.”

 

Jensen just left the bed with a squeeze to his shoulders and Jared forced himself to relax into the bed. It didn’t take long for the older man to return and Jared smiled as something cool was drizzled down the curve of his spine. Jensen fingers were softly callused but gentle against his skin as he worked to smooth the liquid into his skin.

 

The next that Jared was aware of was the room being dark and his arms curled tight around a warm body. He blinked sleepily till his eyes adjusted to the dark and Jensen’s feature came into focus and then blushed as he realised that he had been cuddling the Dom like his personal body-pillow. Fortunately, the older man didn’t seem to mind, lying placidly in his hold and so Jared closed his eyes again as well.

 

The next time he opened his eyes, the room was dimly lit from the sunlight filtering in through the curtains and there was a welcome pressure on his dick. He glanced down to find Jensen nuzzling at him through his briefs and he groaned softly at the erotic sight.

 

His vocalization had the older man pulling off instantly and he watched with wide eyes as the man held up a condom.

 

“Want you to pull this on, and then pull your boxers back on.”

 

Jared whined inquisitively but obeyed, nearly jumping off the bed in shock when Jensen lay down on his stomach between his legs and proceeded to resume sucking. The welcome warmth coupled with his morning-wood really didn’t help his endurance and before long he was emptying himself into the latex.

 

Jensen patted his hips once he regained his breath and helped him sit up properly.

 

“Have you ever had anything inside you?”

 

“I’m an actor,” Jared returned, the warm fuzzies disappearing at the query.

 

“So am I,” Jensen shot back, “But that does not answer my question.”

 

“ _You’re an actor?!_ ”

 

“Small parts in off-beat movies and shows. Never really transitioned to more commercial ventures,” Jensen elaborated, “But you’re not answering my question, Jared.”

 

“If you’re an actor, you know all about the ‘casting couch’.”

 

“Jared?”

 

“Look, can we _not_ talk about this?”

 

Jensen’s lips thinned with displeasure, but he didn’t pursue the topic. “Fine, just tell me this: Do you have body-image issues?”

 

“What?”

 

“Will you freak out if I tell you to forego you boxers?”

 

“Uh...”

 

“Do it.”

 

Jared hurried to obey at the snapped out command and blushed bright red when he realised what he had done.

 

“Alright,” Jensen said, regarding him contemplatively; eyes cataloguing Jared’s physique but not lingering anywhere, “Follow me,”

 

Jared did, hands awkwardly covering himself as he moved. He blushed when he was made to sit on a straight-back chair with his knees shoulder-width apart.

 

“Hands,”

 

Jared hesitated, but then figured that the man was going to see him eventually anyway and placed his hands on the clear glass table. Almost immediately they were seized by Jensen’s own hands and Jared couldn’t help the soft whine that escaped him as realisation of his vulnerable position sunk in.

 

“Sshh... you’re doing fine, Sweetheart. You’re okay.”

 

Jared nodded but continued to hunch in an unconscious effort to shield his nudity.

 

“Shoulders back, chin up.”

 

Jared whimpered as he obeyed.

 

“Alright; so we’re going to venture a little further than what we’ve been doing. Alright?”

 

Jared nodded, throat tight.

 

Jensen smiled softly; thumbs’ rubbing soothing circles on Jared’s upturned hands where he was cradling them. “Take a peek at yourself,”

 

Jared did and instinctively tried to close his legs in embarrassment. His action was stopped by Jensen jamming his own legs between Jared’s and holding them open. Jared whined softly.

 

“Sshh, easy. Easy.” Jensen soothed, “Take deep breaths, Sweetheart.”

 

Jared took a hitching breath and exhaled shakily.

 

“Good boy. Again now... take another breath.”

 

It went on like that for a few minutes till his breathing was not quite as irregular as before even though his eyelashes were clumped into tiny tepees.

 

“Good boy, you’re doing so well for me...” Jensen praised, “Straighten your shoulders... yes, exactly like that. Perfect... I want you to try and hold this position, understand? There’s no punishment if you fail; I just want you to try.”

 

“Yes Sir.”

 

“Good boy,”

 

Jared flushed and struggled to keep his shoulders straightened.

 

“Now, tell me about your depression, Jared.”

 

He froze, “Wh-wha-what?”

 

“Your depression. That’s what Cooper’s diagnosis was... I want you to describe it for me.”

 

“I-... I don’t know how to...”

 

“Try,”

 

“I- I just... I just get a little sad, I guess.” He shrugged, desperately wanting to retrieve his hands, but Jensen’s hold had tightened on him as though the Dom knew.

 

“ _Don’t_.” Jensen cut in sharply.

 

His head shot up. _When had he lowered his head, he wondered?_

 

“Don’t downplay your feelings, Sweetheart. You wouldn’t be here if you were just feeling a _‘little sad’.”_

 

Jared shrugged, “I... I really don’t know how-”

 

Jensen nodded. Then, after a moment, “If I make my questions more specific... would that- would that help?”

 

Jared pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows in response, “I dunno... I- I...”

 

Jensen smiled and squeezed his hands once, “Alright. Is-... is it a constant thing? Your ... your _sadness_?”

 

“No,” Jared answered instantly and paused, surprised by his response himself, “It- it comes and goes... some days-”

 

“Go on,” Jensen prodded gently when he trailed off into silence.  
  
\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/43016.html)

 


	5. Chapter 2. Part 3: sanshal

Continued...

  
“Some days I’m really good. Like- like nothing can go wrong, you know?”

“And then you get sad?”

Jared nodded, closing his eyes against the intense scrutiny, “It’s like... there’s- there’s this voice inside my head... keeps telling me how- how pathetic I am. How I can do nothing right... How I’ve messed up...”

“Old instances?”

He opened his eyes to peer into the clear green pools that seemed to look into his very soul, “Huh?”

“These... _voices_... do they- do they keep a tally? Count out the ways you’ve failed or is it just about current events.”

“Old... old lists,” He whispered. No one had understood this much before, and even though he had discussed some of it with Coop, the young doctoral student hadn’t perceived as much from his halting confessions as Jensen seemed to.

“Alright, I’ve got another question... and this one may seem slightly intrusive, but I’d like an honest answer if you can manage it.”

Jared nodded.

“Do these... _voices_... sound like someone? I mean... someone you know?”

“No,” Jared responded, squeezing the Dom’s hands once as he understood why Jensen had hesitated before asking him this. It touched him that the man cared as much despite knowing him for such a short time. His smile waned as he continued, “Sometimes it sounds like my own voice... but no one else.”

 

Jensen’s lips pursed as he considered it, “When... the times that it sounds like you... can you describe it?”

“I’m not sure I follow,”

“Your voice...” Jensen trailed off, apparently re-considering his words, “You’re an actor, so you read scripts; right?”

Jared nodded, not sure where the older man was going with this.

“And sometimes the writers put in a few hints about the kind of emotions they want you to portray while spouting dialogue. The inflection of it, so to speak.”

Jared nodded again.

“So if it was in a script and-and-and you were asked to mouth whatever the voices said out loud, what kind of tone would you use?”

Jared hesitated.

“It’s alright, Sweetheart. You can tell me...” Jensen murmured, fingers resuming their hypnotic circles over his rascettes.

“Disgusted.” Jared whispered, “Angry, mocking, jeering.  ...Gleeful-”

“Gleeful?”

“Sometimes they are really happy when I make mistakes.”

Jensen released his hands to absently rub at his face and Jared instantly missed the contact. When the Dom looked at him again, the green eyes were clouded with worry, “Well, clearly I know next to nothing about depression and need to know more. ... But are you really adamant about not going to a professional with this? We could book the appointments in my name and I could accompany you for your session if you so desire.”

“Please,” Jared shook his head, “No clinics.”

“Can I ask what makes you so frightened of them?” Jensen questioned.

“What if they lock me away?”

“Why would they lock you away?”

“You... you don’t know the things I think about. What if they figure it out and put me away? ... I don’t want to go. You can’t make me... I – I won’t go. Please. Don’t make me...”

“Jared!” Jensen’s shout was loud and it was only then that he realised that he had been rocking himself. He bent his head in shame.

“Jared?” Jensen questioned, this time much softer and the tone told him that the Dom had possibly been calling him for awhile.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be,” Jensen assured, “You did nothing wrong... and no; I’m not going to force you, Sweetheart. You’re safe.”

“Thank you,”

“Think you can walk?”

He nodded.

“Alright, great.” Jensen stood up, holding out a hand for him. “I need to read up, but I know too little to be able to judge whether or not I’m reading the correct stuff. So I want you to help me, okay?”

“How?” Jared whispered, as he obediently followed Jensen back to the bedroom and clambered up on the bed when asked.

Jensen snuggled in behind him, resting against the headboard and pulling Jared up against his chest until the younger male was settled in the ‘V’ of his legs.

“I’m going to open some pages, I want you to tell me what feels right or- or what matches the way you feel.”

“Yes Sir.”  


Jared bit back a smile when Jensen promptly opened his Pinterest account page, but the smile waned when ‘Depression’ was typed into the search-box. His anxiety must have come across because the older man pulled him closer and wrapped a protective arm around his waist- _literally tucking him in against himself._ “Look through and tell me what matches your... _symptoms_.”  
  
Jared nodded and obediently began scrolling though the selection that the search had presented. It helped that a lot of the pins had ‘girls’ as the focus of the ‘depression’ and while he could empathize with some of it, there were things he could not relate to. The female pronouns also distracted him more often than not. Even so, he found more than few to which he could relate and he hated that he burrowed deeper against Jensen’s side every time something on the screen resonated with him. He didn’t know how long they sat there browsing ‘pins’ when they stumbled against one that had the author- a patient of depression herself- mentioning ‘pain’.  
  
“Do you do that?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Self- harm?”  
  
“N-n-no.”  
  
Jensen’s eyes narrowed briefly and then the Dom was shaking his head. “Show me your hands.”  
  
Jared obediently presented his arms for inspection, watching as Jensen bent his head to examine them carefully. He had covered up to the elbow on his left arm when the Dom froze, “I’m an idiot!”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re an actor,”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Flat on your back, spread your legs,” Jensen ordered briskly, waiting till the younger male had assumed the demanded position to continue his explanation, “Your job is important to you... which means you’re not going to risk scars where they’d be visible. And that means-” Jensen shouldered his way between Jared’s thighs, hands smoothing the soft skin at his hips while he got into position. Jared tried not to picture just how close Jensen’s face was to certain parts of his anatomy. He jerked when careful hands gently moved his balls aside to reveal the vulnerable skin of his inner thighs and then Jensen was lightly tracing the three thin, horizontal lines there. “You _**don’t** _ self-harm,” Angry green eyes met his, “Right?”  
  
“I-I’m sorry.”He stammered.  
  
Jensen shook his head as he straightened. “You lied to me Jared.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Remember the _one_ rule I’d made _before_ agreeing to this?”  
  
Jared met the steady green gaze through his sheen of tears, “Yes Sir.”  
  
“What was it?”  
  
“That I would be honest with you,”  
  
“And were you?”  
  
He lowered his eyes, unable to maintain contact with those angry eyes.  
  
“I asked you a question!” Jensen snapped.  
  
“No, Sir. I’m sorry.”  
  
“What do you think I should do, Jared?”  
  
He stared back blankly, “Huh?”  
  
“You disobeyed a direct order, Jared. What would you suggest I do with you?”  
  
“I- I don’t know, Sir.”  
  
Jensen sighed and shook his head, “Do you think you deserve to be punished?”  
  
Jared whimpered.  
  
“Did I actually manage to show you your room last night, or did I forget?” Jensen asked, changing the topic at random, it appeared.  
  
“I haven’t seen my room yet, sir.”  
  
“Drop it with all the ‘sirs’,” Jensen growled, “C’mon, up! Let me show you your room.”  
  
And Jared suspected what his ‘punishment’ was going to be, “I’ll not do it again, Jensen. Please....Please don’t send me away...”  
  
“Not sending you anywhere.” Jensen soothed, “Just come with me for now. Wanna show you something.”  
  
Jared sniffled and followed Jensen out of the bedroom, biting his lip harshly to smother the whimper that wanted to escape when he caught sight of his naked reflection trailing behind Jensen’s fully clothed one.  
  
‘His’ room, as Jensen had described it, was a small rectangular space with a queen-sized single bed occupying the majority of the space. There was a wooden cabinet tucked in one corner of the wall and a small bedside table beside the bed.  
  
He swallowed when he noticed the thick leather cuffs affixed to the headboard on adjustable rods. Glancing to the foot of the bed, he found a similar set on the foot-board.  
  
“Don’t worry about those,” Jensen told him, adjusting the pillow and sheets till they hid the cuffs. “They will never be used without your consent.”  
  
Jared nodded and looked around some more. The room was only lit by the bedside lamp and Jared could not make out any other source of light. He wondered if Jensen planned to make him stay in the dark as part of his punishment.  
  
There was a hook high on one wall, obviously meant for restraining a person vertically and Jared tried to ignore his sense of unease. Looking away, his eyes landed on the cabinet and Jared realized that the cupboards’ door was a white-board. His suspicion was confirmed when he noticed the marker tucked artfully into its handle.  
  
“You are welcome to leave a few personal items in the cupboard,” Jensen told him. “And you are welcome to decorate this place as you desire. It’s your domain and I shall not intrude without your permission or unless I fear for your safety.”  
  
“Thank you,”  
  
“Now you have noticed the white-board, right?”  
  
He nodded.  
  
“It is there to keep a tally of your infractions.”  
  
Jared gasped.  
  
“You are not to write anything on it without my permission. In fact, the only time I expect you to use that marker is right after you arrive.”  
  
His brows furrowed, “I’m not sure I follow.”  
  
“Good boy,” Jensen smiled, “I appreciate that you took the initiative, Sweetheart. You are always allowed to ask questions or seek clarification unless I’ve specified otherwise, alright?”  
  
Jared blushed at the praise but remained silent.  
  
“Now to answer your question, when you come for your sessions with me; the first thing I want you to do is undress. The minute you clear the door, I expect you to strip and fold your clothes neatly. Then you are to carry them here and put them away. You may freshen up if you choose, but then you are to use that marker to list all the things that you perceive went wrong- _and were your fault_ \- since I last saw you. When you have accomplished that, you are to come and find me. Do _not_ speak before I address you. You are to simply find a spot- _the closer to me, the better-_ to kneel and wait till I’m ready for you. Any questions?”  
  
“What if I need you?” –Then at Jensen’s raised eyebrow, “Sir.”  
  
“You are to wait;” Jensen said firmly, “The only exception is in the case of a medical emergency.”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“Good boy,” Jensen responded, “Now, I believe you need to use your board already, don’t you?”  
  
Jared swallowed as he retrieved the marker.  
  
“What did you do wrong, Jared?”  
  
“I lied to you,” He mumbled indistinctly.  
  
“Louder!”  
  
“I- I lied to you, Sir.”  
  
“Yes,” Jensen agreed, “Please note that on the board.”  
  
Jared obeyed; his writing small and spidery on the white expanse.  
  
“What else?”  
  
Jared blinked.  
  
“You endangered yourself.” Jensen explained at his blank look, “The inner thighs are zones with some major blood vessels, Jared. You could have risked your life had you accidently nicked one of those.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” He whispered. He had not known that; at the time, his only thought had been that it was a spot where the scars would not be discovered.  
  
“I know,” Jensen soothed, “But this way you shall remember it.”  
  
Jared sniffled but obediently scrawled his second error on the board. His eyes welled as he thought of how he was marring the unblemished surface.  
  
“Do you think there’s something else?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Are you sure, Jared?”  
  
He hesitated.  
  
“I’ve been patient, Sweetheart... waited for you to tell me on your own... but you’re not going to tell me, are you?”  
  
Jared just ducked his head.  
  
“It wasn’t _just_ a bad break-up, was it; Jared? You were married and it was a divorce that you went through.”  
  
A sob caught in his throat at the words. Warm arms cradled him instantly, “Sshh... you’re okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you Sweetheart. You’re safe.”  
  
It took a long minute but eventually Jared felt himself strong enough to straighten out of the embrace.  
  
“Put a ‘two’ in brackets next to ‘lie’... it was a lie of omission, but a lie nevertheless,”  
  
Jared wiped at his eyes and obeyed.  
  
“Good boy,” Jensen murmured, reaching out to squeeze gently at his nape in wordless support, “Now, would you prefer to wait till your sessions with me begin officially before serving your sentence or would you rather get it over and done with right now,”  
  
Jared hesitated, “I-... I don’t know... what would you suggest?”  
  
“It has to be your choice, Jared.” Jensen said quietly, “You can wait, if you think you need some mental preparation to face your punishment. Or you could get it over with now and begin anew with a clean slate.”  
  
“Be-begin anew,” Jared whispered after a moment once he had considered his options, “Is... is it going to hurt?”  
  
“Some,” Jensen admitted as he went and perched on the bed, patting his knee and gesturing at Jared to approach “C’mon,”  
  
The younger man approached hesitantly and awkwardly lowered himself over the Dom’s lap- acutely aware of his nudity as he draped himself into position. Jensen adjusted him slightly till he was bent slightly more forward and his hips were upturned and vulnerable. A warm palm rested gently over the soft swell of his bare nether cheeks and Jared gasped, squirming slightly.  
  
“I’m going to administer fifteen hits, five for each of your offences.” Jensen announced, “Would you like to keep count?”  
  
Jared shrugged as much as he was able in his position.  
  
A gentle swat had him jumping: “When I ask you a question, I expect a proper answer.” Jensen reprimanded.  
  
“Sorry, sir.”  
  
“Its fine, you didn’t know. ... anyway, I’m guessing this is your first time?”  
  
“Yes Sir,”  
  
“In that case, I sincerely doubt that you will be able to maintain count; but I’ll suggest you try. It would give you something to anchor yourself to and give you a visible end-point for your torment.”  
  
Jared nodded- his swallow of apprehension- _throat suddenly parched_ \- loud in the silence of the room.  
  
“I’ll warm you up before I begin, alright?”  
  
“Yes Sir,” Jared whispered.  
  
“Good boy,” Jensen praised and a flurry of quick stinging slaps landed on his upturned rear. They didn’t exactly hurt, but they caused a tingly sensation that had him reaching behind himself to rub at his butt. Jensen caught his arm before he made contact and twisted it behind his back. “No touching,”  
  
Jared whined.  
  
Jensen chuckled fondly. Then: “Alright, let’s start.”  
  
The room was still for a second; both men holding their breaths, and then there was a loud ‘ _crack’_. For one blissful second, he couldn’t feel anything and then the pain set in. Jared yelped.  
  
Before the pain had subsided there was another hit and then another, the blows layering neatly till his entire butt was a throbbing mass of heat. There were still five more swats to go and Jared writhed slightly, uncertain about whether he would be able to handle it since his entire rear was covered and all remaining slaps would be layered on already sore skin. ... The last five blows were as evenly spaced as their predecessors and Jared slumped tiredly once all fifteen were completed.  
  
“So proud of you, Sweetheart,” Jensen praised as he helped him straighten. “Took your punishment so well for me,”  
  
Jared reached behind himself to rub at the stinging skin again and once again his hands were caught and stopped. “Not yet.”  
  
Jensen straightened and walked him to the white-board; positioning him carefully with his legs a foot apart and his arms outstretched in front of him so that they rested on either side of the soft-board.  
  
“You had three infractions, so I expect you to hold position for six minutes- two for each offence.” Jensen told him, “If you touch your butt before the six minutes are completed, you will be punished again. Clear?”  
  
“Yes Sir.”  
  
“Good boy,” Jensen ruffled his hair, “Now, I want you to think about what you did and how you can avoid future punishment.”  
  
Jared sniffled, but nodded. The board was between his arms and positioned precisely to allow him to read his ‘mistakes’. He whimpered when the lights were all turned off, and was surprised to discover that the there was a small light focussed so that only the board remained lit; plunging the rest of the room in perfect darkness.  
  
“I shall fetch you when the six minutes are up,” Jensen told him and left the room, closing the door behind himself.  
  
For the first few blissful seconds, all Jared could focus on was the scorching heat of his blistered backside. Then, as the seconds slowly ticked by; his mind searched for something to distract him from the pain and his eyes landed on the board listing his ‘mistakes’. His eyes filled as he read and re-read them.  
  
By the time Jensen returned, his chest was heaving with sobs and his eyes were blurry with unchecked tears. Jared was vaguely aware that he made for a rather pathetic sight- he’d been told time and again by his director/cinematographer that he cried ‘ugly’- and he tried to hunch in on himself at the Dom’s approach, shoulders shaking with soundless sobs as he tried to curl into a ball while still holding the demanded position.  
  
“Sshhh....It’s over, Sweetheart. It’s okay.” Jensen whispered, stoking firmly down his sweaty back but stopping just above the bruised skin of his rear. The older man tugged lightly but Jared shook his head desperately- _he didn’t deserve comfort after breaking his promise-_ fingers tightening on the wall.  
  
“No,” Jensen refuted- _apparently he had mumbled some of it out loud... or maybe the man was just that good at reading him_ \- “Let go now. Punishment’s over, Sweetheart. Let go. Come with me.”  
  
Jared whined low in his throat but obediently released his hold on the board to follow Jensen back to the bed. The older man settled himself against the headboard before pulling Jared virtually in his lap... and even though he was much too large to be cradled like that, Jared didn’t fight the hold. Jensen held him till his blubbering had reduced to intermittent hiccups and then gently pushed him far enough away that he could meet his eyes.  
  
“Clean it up,”  
  
“Huh?” Jared questioned blankly.  
  
“The board,” Jensen elaborated, “I want you to clean it up, alright? Supplies are on the floor.”  
  
It was only then that Jared noticed the small basket with rags and soap-water. He glanced uneasily at the older man one last time before hastening to do as he was ordered. He glanced back at the bed where Jensen was still sitting and observing him once he was done, the writing gone, but the board still smeared with smudges of black from the markers.  
  
One eyebrow raised imperiously, “You have finished your punishment, Jared. And been absolved... should the board still bear marks of your past mistakes?”  
  
Jared hesitated, briefly remembering the story about a father asking his son to hammer in nails in the fence everytime he felt angry... once the nails came out, the wood was pockmarked... but- but Jensen had _forgiven_ him. “No?” He asked in a small voice.  
  
The Dom smiled as he agreed, “No. ... You made a mistake and owned up to it. You have already paid the price for it too. There’s nothing else to be forgiven, Sweetheart. Now all that remains is that you forgive _yourself._ Can you do that?”  
  
He nodded slowly.  
  
“Good,” Jensen smiled, “So if you’re ready to begin with a clean slate, do you want the memory of it to remain?”  
  
He shook his head immediately. _He wanted that... wanted a fresh start._  
  
“Then clean that board, Sweetheart. Make it so that it’s unblemished again. _Like you._ ”  
  
\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/43519.html)


	6. Chapter 3: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter: 3. **

  
  


  
Jared sighed as he knelt before Jensen again. Somehow, wiping that board had been cathartic and he felt calm- the voice which had grown incredibly loud while he was being punished had faded and was silent now. Jensen smiled softly down at him, ruffling his hair briefly. 

“How’re you feeling?”

Jensen smiled, taking in his subtle shifting as he tried to find a comfortable position on his knees.

“Knees hurting?”

He blushed but nodded.

“In that case, _up_ \- come sit here,” The Dom tucked his legs up on the couch and rolled on his side to make space in front of him. 

Jared smiled slightly and tucked himself into the curve of older man’s body, sighing as the pressure eased off of his knees.

“Better?”

He nodded.

Jensen shuffled around some till he was slightly more vertical and had Jared’s ear resting against the cotton covered muscles of his chest. Jared closed his eyes, sighing softly and arching into the touch when Jensen began to carefully run his fingers through his tousled locks. 

“When do I have to leave?” He mumbled.

“Whenever you are ready.”

Jared stiffened briefly before pulling away, “S’rry,”

Jensen’s brow curved up inquisitively even as his fingers tightened at Jared’s nape, “What’re you apologizing for?”

“I-I know it’s not right...Sorry I took up so much of your time... I- I need to get back,”

“No you don’t,” There was a hint of steel underlying the rebuttal.

Jared looked up in surprise.

“Sweetheart, I promised to take care of you when I took you as my sub. That _includes_ aftercare,”

“Aftercare?”

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded, rubbing his hand against his cheek once before meeting his eyes again, “When we ‘scene’ together- like... when I spanked you earlier-” the man explained at his blank look, “-it’s almost as though I shattered you altogether before putting you back, right? Not physically, obviously; but metaphorically... I mean, once I was done administering the hits, were you thinking of anything beyond how much your butt hurt?”

He shook his head mutely; for a few blissful moments, the pain in his rear had been his only thought... The voice had only returned once the pain had faded some. 

Jensen nodded, “And how bad were you feeling by the time your time out ended?”

“Terrible,” Jared admitted.

Jensen nodded again, “But it was better when you cleaned that board, right? You felt peaceful?”

Jared jerked his head in agreement.

“Are you still feeling guilty?”

Jared had to think about it for a minute, but if he were honest- and he _was_ trying to be- right that minute, lying curled up in the Dom’s arms had been the most peaceful he had felt in months. He shook his head.

“Good,” Jensen smiled. “Now, I’m not saying that you’ll never feel bad again... chances are, you will. And sooner rather than later. In fact, I can almost guarantee it. ... And I want you to call me when that happens, alright? I don’t care about the time or where I am. You feel sad or frustrated or... well _blue,_ you know? And you call me.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy.” Jensen beamed at his answer, obviously pleased that Jared remembered the correct form of address, “In case I cannot speak to you or come over immediately, I want you to find a comfortable spot and lie down, if possible. If not, just sit somewhere where you’ll not be disturbed. Find a blanket or shrug to wrap around yourself. And nibble on a piece of chocolate: The sweet variety, nothing more that 30% dark. Understand?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy.” The Dom repeated, “And I want you to give me a copy of your house keys.”

Jared swallowed, but nodded.

“Program my number into your phone and save it as a speed-dial so that you can call me easily. Make sure your friends and colleagues know to get in touch with me in case you are incapacitated in any form.”

Jared felt his cheeks turn a dark red, but acquiesced without protest.

“Okay. ... So, now tell me what scares you? In the sense makes you uncomfortable or stresses you out?”

He shrugged.

“I want you to use your words, Sweetheart.” Jensen admonished lightly, “Alright, I’ll begin: Dealing with your attorney to finalize the details of your divorce?”

“Yes,” He admitted.

“I see. ... What about tough scenes or scenes with heavy emotional lifting? You have any say at all over when they’ll be shot?”

“Some,”

“And are any such scenes coming up?”

He shook his head ‘no’.

“Ask them if you can bump them up in your schedule. I want you to do almost _everything_ that stresses you. ... Want you to be a near-wreck by the end of the week.”

Jared looked up with betrayed eyes to meet shining emerald.

Jensen smiled; face softening at Jared’s obvious distress from his words, “Sshhh... Don’t look at me like that, Sweetheart. C’mon, now... I only want this because we’ll have a minimum of four days to ourselves when you get back again... and yes, I want you to see if you can swing some more- a day, a few hours... _anything_ , okay? This way, you’ll be able to relax when I finally release you after our next session. ... So stress yourself out. See if you can finish the legal entanglements of your divorce. Make sure _no one_ will bother you during your time with me. When you’re here, I want you completely to myself.”

Jared smiled softly at the soft possessive tone.

“Sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Mmhmmm...”

“Alright then, up. C’mon... let’s get you dressed. Yeah?”

Jared blushed as he was manhandled back to ‘his’ room and then sat on the bed as Jensen carefully dressed him like a child, making him decent and presentable. 

He was still feeling slightly fuzzy when Jensen drove him back home and he was grateful to the dom for helping him get changed again and ready for bed. The man had spoon-fed him some warm chicken broth, explaining that he needed something that would be light on his stomach while warming him from the inside so soon after his session and giving him more details about what he could expect as a consequence of their short ‘ _scene’._ Jensen even stood by as he brushed his teeth and climbed in under the covers for the night. He snuggled in- _feeling like a child_ \- and grinned when Jensen actually tucked him in.

“Jared, can you tell me why you chose me?” The man enquired softly as he dimmed the lights, fingers brushing through his hair lightly and massaging at his scalp.

Jared closed his eyes and let out a pleased moan at the massage before registering the question, “I didn’t. _You_ chose _me_.”

The fingers stopped their motion and Jared opened his eyes, glancing up to catch the horrified expression on the Dom’s face before Jensen schooled his features, “You wanted someone else?”

He shrugged, “Didn’t know enough about _this_ to choose, Jen.”

“But now that you know a little more, would- would you prefer some other Dom?”

He yawned, “Haven’t thought ‘bout it.”

Jensen nodded as though that was a perfectly acceptable answer. “Okay then. You’re exhausted, Sweetheart. Go to sleep.”

He blinked heavy lids up at the older man, “You... stay?”

Jensen smiled at his drowsy words, “I’ll be here till you fall asleep, yes.”

Jared nodded his acceptance and tugged the comforter closer before closing his eyes, relaxing at the monotonous movements of Jensen’s hands through his hair until he dropped off.

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/43585.html)  



	7. Interlude 1: sanshal

 

  
****Therapy  
[Interlude 1]   


>   
>  “Is this a joke?”
> 
> “No... uh.. no,  I – I really needed to see you.” Jensen told the psychiatrist, “Professionally, I mean.”
> 
> “Professionally?”  The woman’s brows furrowed in concern. “Is everything okay?”
> 
> “Yea- uh... I’m not sure? I’m hoping they will be... but...” Jensen shook his head, taking a deep breath to fortify himself. “I guess I should start at the beginning.”
> 
> The brown eyed doctor smiled teasingly, “that _would_ be helpful, _yes_.”
> 
> The Dom smiled briefly, “I uh... I got a sub.”
> 
> “A new one?”
> 
> Jensen nodded.
> 
> “Huh. You actually _pursued_ a sub... wow, she must be really special.”
> 
> “ _He_.” Jensen corrected.
> 
> An elegantly arched eyebrow curved up.
> 
> Jensen blushed. “Well, to be honest I didn’t pursue him as much as accept him.”
> 
> “Oh?”
> 
> “He’s new to the scene and much too shy to actually approach anyone.  His friends brought him. Set him up with a white ribbon and a letter.”
> 
> “No one else offered? Poor guy!”
> 
> “Nah, he’s far too gorgeous to not get offers.  Problem was the set of clauses his friends had put up-”
> 
> “One week!” The good doctor interrupted, shaking her head, “I went out of town for one bloody week, J.  ...And you already landed yourself in trouble. God, what am I going to do with you?!”
> 
> “Help me?” Green eyes crinkled in a playful smile.
> 
> “Ugh, I swear you just do this to drive me crazy! Fine...  So what was the clause? And what’s the sub’s name?”
> 
> “You know I can’t reveal that,”
> 
> She sighed, “Yeah, I do... Make something up.”
> 
> “Let’s call him...” Jensen hesitated, “ _Jared_. Yeah, Jared sounds about right.”
> 
> “Alright, that’s it. _Out_!” The psychiatrist thundered, abruptly furious.
> 
> The Dom’s eyes widened, “What? Why?”
> 
> “You _know_ I have a crush on the kid playing Dean on Gilmore Girls!” The therapist fumed, “Tell me you didn’t choose the name _Jared_ just to tease me about it?”
> 
> “You said the guys name was Dean-” Jensen frowned, waving his hand in obvious confusion, “What does Jared... Wait, is that- is that the actor’s name?”
> 
> The dark blush painting her cheeks answered his question, “I’m sure I mentioned that a time or two.”
> 
> “I- I’m sorry, I really didn’t remember... but maybe that’s where I got the idea for my sub’s alias, _subconsciously_. And it fits him, Doc. He looks like a ‘ _Jared_.’”
> 
> “Wow, you’re talking like he’s a puppy or something.”
> 
> “Or something,” Jensen sighed, “His friends think he suffers from depression.”
> 
> “ _What_?!”
> 
> “He refuses to go to a doctor to get a proper prescription but one of his buddies is doing his PhD in psychology and claims that my boy has the symptoms.”
> 
> “Wow. And the fact that the other Dominants who approached him backed away at that disclosure didn’t give you pause?” She asked.
> 
> Jensen shrugged, grabbing at his lower lip between his teeth and chewing for a moment before confessing, “His friend thinks a d/s lifestyle might help him.”
> 
> “D/s to overcome depression,” she repeated as she considered it. “I hadn’t... I _wouldn’t_ have thought of it, but yeah... it’s an interesting thought.”
> 
> “That’s what I figured as well.”  Jensen admitted.
> 
> “But it’ll be like playing with fire.” The doctor frowned.  “The risks are very high -what if you end up over your head?”
> 
> “Look, I don’t want to hurt anyone-”
> 
> “I know,” The woman agreed “I get that, J; but you could end up losing your license for the club over this.”
> 
> The Dom’s eyes widened in surprise, “I- I just want to help him... You should have seen him- he looked so lost... and... and I’m only doing this because it might help. Still, I don’t want to end up accidentally make things worse... which is where you come in.”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “I do what I have to do to as his Dom and then I come in here after our sessions... not- not every day, obviously but say... once a week or so? And you can counsel me. I’ll tell you how our session went and how he reacted and stuff. You can figure out how he’s doing from there and if required give me pointers on what I _should_ be doing with him next. You’re already in the scene so you’ll understand better than other therapists and you’re the best damn shrink that I know-”
> 
> She laughed, “I’m the _only_ shrink that you know.”
> 
> Jensen smiled as well, “That too.”
> 
> She sighed as she considered it, “It’s risky, Jensen.”
> 
> “I know,” The Dom admitted, “And I’m not going to force you to act against your conscience. You can agree or refuse. ... Or report me for accepting such a vulnerable individual as a client. It’s totally up to you.”
> 
> She snorted, “You really think I’m going to report you?”
> 
> “I’m hoping you won’t,” Jensen admitted, “But if you think that I’m endangering a subs’ life by taking him on, then yes... you probably should.”
> 
> “You’re one of the best goddamned Doms out there, J. And Curtis is the only one who outranks you at the club... even then; I’d never trust one of my patients with him-”
> 
> “But you’d trust me?” The Dom questioned, picking up on what wasn’t being said.
> 
> “Without hesitation,” She confessed.
> 
> “Thank you. _Really,”_ Jensen acknowledged softly, “It mean a lot to me to hear you say that-”
> 
> “And I’m hoping you can help this boy of yours... your- your _Jared”_ –She blushed slightly at the name, picturing the actor and scolding herself inwardly-“But if his depression is of clinical origin then I’m afraid there’s very little that you can do without proper medication.”
> 
> Jensen nodded as he rose, “Guess we’ll just have to see; won’t we?”
> 
> She glanced at the clock- _for the first time in her career she hadn’t been the one keeping time, but Jensen- bless his heart, had._
> 
> “See you next week?” The Dom questioned as he paused with a hand on the doorknob.
> 
> “I’ll pencil you in,” She smiled.  
>  \---  
>  [Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/43900.html)


	8. Chapter 4: sanshal

** Therapy **

** Chapter:4 **

  
  


Jared wondered if this was what being in rehab felt like: he reported to Jensen every evening at eight. The one day he’d been late and called at eight-fifteen, Jensen had ordered him to set the air-conditioner at 160C, undress and stand facing a blank corner of the room for 15 minutes. Obviously the Dom hadn’t been there to physically administer his sentence- _in fact, Jensen had not even asked him to report back to him once he was done with his punishment-_ and Jared _could_ have lied, but for some reason he wasn’t sure about himself, he’d obeyed. Despite there being no one around, he’d felt utterly humiliated to stand in his birthday suit as he stared at the wall and waiting for the timer to go off had made him feel like a little kid put in time-out. Unlike the previous occasion, this time there was no endorphin rush to make him feel better once the punishment was over. If anything, it just reminded him of how inconsistent and unreliable he was.

As the week drew to a close he thought more and more about Jensen’s question about why he’d chosen _him..._ and finally, on the eve of their rendezvous, he headed to the club where he’d first met Jensen. Having a better idea about what to expect, he was soon in engaged in conversation with two prospective doms. He was still unsettled, but he had a little over eighteen hours before his rendezvous with Jensen and the Dom had been the one to question Jared about his reasons for choosing Jensen... he hoped he would have a proper answer to the question this time. Besides, Jensen had specifically insisted he do everything that made him... well, _nervous_ before the meet and _this_ was making him extremely so.

With a final sip of his drink, he rose and followed the Dom on his left, a brunette named Elaina, towards a back room.

***

“Red!” He gasped.

_He_ had _expected an intense session after telling her that he would be alright with just about anything as long as any marks didn’t remain on his skin longer than through the night. Elaina had nodded as though she understood and asked him to undress down to his boxers and kneel before enquiring whether he would be her ‘good boy’.  Jared had instantly fallen into character:  ducking his head guiltily as he confessed that he’d been ‘_ bad’ _._

“Stop, please. Red!” He repeated, curling tighter within the bonds of the paddling bench as much as was possible.

The dominatrix stopped immediately, concern filling the chocolate eyes as she fluttered delicate fingers over him without actually touching him, “Did I hurt you?”

“Jen,” He sobbed, “I want Jen. Please.”

Pity filled the warm brown gaze, “Who? I’ll get them for you. Are they here?”

He shook his head and shifted just enough for her to undo the restrains.

“Where can I find _Jen_? Can you tell me?” She asked, speaking softly as though to a child as she helped him off the bench and to the couch-cum-bed in the room’s corner.

“Pho-phone; speed-dial four”

Elaina nodded and got the phone from his jacket pocket from where it lay forgotten on the floor. Jared watched her frown from his spot on the couch-cum-bed as the call connected and she realized that ‘Jen’ was not a girl but her forehead smoothened out before he could explain. She spoke a few more words into the receiver _\- too soft for him to hear_ \- before hanging up and returning to his side.

“He’ll be here soon, Jared.”

He nodded.

“Try to sleep; he’ll be here when you wake up.”

Jared closed his eyes obediently but sleep was the furthest from his mind and he didn’t know how to relax. Nevertheless, the door opened a few short minutes later as promised and he felt the familiar warm palm of his Master.

“Sweetheart?”

He swallowed once before sitting up and burying his face against the older man’s chest, relieved when the man didn’t refuse him the comfort.

“I didn’t know you were spoken for, why did you let me take you if you already had a dom?” Elaina’s voice enquired from somewhere behind his Dom.

Jensen’s palm cupped the back of his neck in a protective gesture and Jared snuffled softly, keeping his eyes tightly clenched and refusing to answer. There was the sound of footsteps fading and Jared found himself relaxing marginally. He still kept his head lowered and his mouth closed and when Jensen tugged at him after a few minutes, herding him towards the exit; he obeyed mutely.

“Master Ackles,”

The call brought the Dom up short and Jared stumbled at the abrupt halt. Jensen’s hand tightened in his and Jared stepped closer in a wordless demand for protection. Jensen turned, to face his caller and Jared risked a peek, finding Elaina and a short curly-haired man behind them.

“Master Armstrong,” Jensen returned the greeting evenly, turning to face the pair fully when he saw who it was.

“I’m afraid we cannot allow you to leave without answering a few questions to satisfy the Board that your submissive is in safe hands with you,”

Jared peered at the older man, tugging discretely at his jacket sleeve and whispering, “Did I get you in trouble, Jen?”

The Dom glanced at him with a soft smile, “It’s alright, Jared.”

“I- I’m sorry,” He whispered, shuffling even closer than before as his body searched for the dominant’s warmth unconsciously.

“It’s okay,” Jensen responded easily, curling an arm around his shoulder in response to his movement, “I promise you’re not in trouble.”

“How long have you known each other?” Elaina asked, looking between the two of them.

“Not long,” Jensen admitted. “A little more than a week in fact, why?”

“Please keep in mind you’re not the one asking questions, today, Master Ackles.” Curtis Armstrong cut in sharply.

Jensen nodded, “I apologise-”

“How many sessions have you had with him in the period that you have known each other?” Another Dominant, a house-master known as Tahmoh Penikett questioned from the side, obviously having stopped at the commotion.

“None,” Jensen responded, “Our first true session is scheduled for tomorrow.”

“Why is it that I find that hard to believe, Jensen?” Elaina smiled, tilting her head at the way Jared was virtually trying to crawl into Jensen’s body.

“He’s new to this world. ... I had to explain what being a ‘sub’ would mean for him and had then given him a trial scene- nothing too hardcore, just a glimpse into what he would be involved in, should he choose to continue...” He shrugged.

“And did he _choose_ to continue?”

“Yes,”

“Then, might I enquire what is he doing in the club _today_ , Jensen?”

“I... I don’t know,” Jensen admitted, glancing at his charge and quirking a brow.

“Last time, you asked me why I chose you... and I didn’t have a proper answer for you,” Jared explained haltingly, glancing from his Dom to the others gathered around them, “I figured I could come here and try a scene with someone else so that I may have a better answer for you tomorrow.”

Jensen’s eyes softened.

“Does that mean that you had changed your mind about continuing with Master Ackles, Mister...?” Curtis Armstrong asked.

“What? _No!_ ” Jared yelped, “I- I want Jensen as my Master. _Please_!”

“Sshh...” Jensen soothed, rubbing his back in brisk strokes to centre him, “No one is going to force you into anything, Sweetheart. You’re safe.”

“I- I want you,”

“You have me,” Jensen assured. Then, glancing at the others: “Any other questions?”

“No, thank you for helping us to allay our fears. Take care of your boy, Jensen.” Elaina smiled at them as they left the club.

Jensen helped Jared into the car and checked the seatbelt before going to the driver’s side himself.

“Where are we going?” Jared managed to ask when he saw the car cross the turning for his house without slowing.

“My place,” Jensen answered. “You were supposed to come over in the morning anyway. I figured that after the day you’ve had, it wouldn’t hurt to start early.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Jensen smiled, “Alright, so. Uhm... Okay, before we begin; is there something you need from you home? Medication or pets that need to be fed? Anything?”

“Uh-... no, but my clothes are still there. And the bag that I’d packed for tomorrow.”

“You’re not going to need a lot of clothes, Jared.” Jensen told him, “I doubt you’d have used much of anything else from your bag either.”

Jared nodded, cheeks a faint pink.

“I want you to undress the moment we are inside. You already know to fold your clothes and place them in the cupboard in your room. Once you’re done, I want you to lock the cupboard and hand over the keys to me.”

“Yes, Sir.” Jared whispered.

“Then we can discuss your punishment.”

“What?” He yelped.

Jensen smiled: a teasing curve to his lips as he glanced once at the actor before focussing on the road again, “You heard me.”

He wanted to protest and question the order; but he knew better, so he simply sat there gritting his teeth as Jensen parked the car. He was about to step out when the Dom called after him, “And Jared? You have three minutes.”

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/44086.html)  



	9. Chapter 5: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter 5 **

  


  
Jensen’s glare was withering when Jared returned to the room. “I remember asking you to undress, Jared.”

“I-... You said you’d let me keep my briefs on,” Jared whispered cautiously.

Jensen rubbed his forehead, “I did, didn’t I? Oh well, I’m not going to go back on my words, Jared. Just... you may not be allowed to keep them on for long, okay?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Good boy,”

Jared blushed at the praise, relaxing slightly as he went to take his spot on the round rug.

“Now, about your punishment... do you know why you are being punished?”

“I was bad.”

“Gonna have to do better than that, Sweetheart.”

“I- I did some terrible things this week. I was rude-”

Jensen held up a hand, halting him mid sentence. “I’m not talking about this week, Jared. We’ll deal with that later.”

“Uhm... Sir?”

Jensen quirked a brow, “Yes?”

“I- I uh... I couldn’t write my misdemeanours on the white board like you had asked. I’m sorry.”

“And... why couldn’t you?”

“I-... You... I had just three minutes, Sir. It wasn’t enough time to phrase everything.”

“Did you start, at least?”

“N-no, Master.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry.”He whispered, hating the disappointed look on the Dom’s face.

“It’s alright, Jared. We’ll handle it... but for now, I want you to focus on this evening. What went wrong?”

“I used my safe-word.”

“And _why_ was that wrong?”

“Because... I wasn’t hurt?”

“Oh Sweetheart,” Jensen sighed, leaned forward to tuck a stray curl back behind Jared’s ear, “When I came in, you _were_ hurt... Not- not physically, but Jared you were _shattered_ , Sweetheart. You were gasping for breath, your eyes were unfocussed and you were lost in your own head. That qualifies as hurt, okay? So no, calling your safe-word was the one thing that you did _right_.”

Jared considered it, then: “I shouldn’t have gone to someone other than you, should I?”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Jensen agreed, “But again, I never asked you to be _mine_ exclusively, so yes; the blame for that rests with me, not you. What you did wrong was going there _alone._ You had no one watching your back in case things went sideways. Did you at least inform Chad where you were going?”

Jared ducked his head as shame brightened his face, “No, Sir.”

“You do realize that you are lucky that Elaina picked you, right? If you had fallen into the hands of an unscrupulous Dom, things could have turned out very different.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared whispered, tears brimming and finally spilling over to run a crooked trail down his face.

“You told me that you went because you wanted a better answer to my question.”

“Yes, Sir.” Jared whispered between hitching breaths.

“So? Do you have your answer now?”

“Yes...yes Sir. I trust you.”

“You must have trusted Elaina too to have gone with her.” Jensen countered.

“She seemed reliable and my gut said that I could trust her...”

“What happened then, Sweetheart? What went wrong?” Jensen asked softly, leaning forward again, this time to brush the tears steadily leaking from his eyes.

“I- I told her I was a bad boy and needed to be punished.”

“Shit.” Jensen cursed softly, before wiping a hand over his face and murmuring an apologetic ‘sorry’ for cursing.

“It felt wrong when she made that first blow.”

“And you called your safe-word?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy,” Jensen praised lightly before gesturing him closer. Jared crawled forward the two feet separating them so that he could lean against the older man’s legs.

“I still need to punish you, Sweetheart. You endangered yourself and one of the first rules that I’d given you was to take care of yourself, remember?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Good boy.” Jensen smiled, idly stroking his fingers through his hair, “Now, since we’re still finding our feet here, I’ve been giving you different types of punishment. Do you know the types, Jared?”

“No, Sir.”

“Hmmm, alright. Look up here, then,” Jensen told him, opening his laptop and deftly typing the search words. The screen soon filled up with images and Jared watched as Jensen pulled up a specific one. [Ref: <https://in.pinterest.com/pin/468233692491836499/> ]

“There are three basic types of punishment, okay? There are discomfort punishments... for instance the spanking I administered the last time you were here. Then there are reflective punishments... like the corner time I put you in when you were sloppy and delayed to check in at the appointed hour. Now the third type... well, the third type is humiliation punishment. This is what we’re going to try today.”

Jared felt his heart skip a beat, “Sir?”

“Sshhh... you’re okay. You’re okay.” Jensen soothed, rubbing his back till his breathing steadied. “You ready to hear your punishment now?”

Jared nodded mutely.

“I’m going to diaper you tonight. Want you to sleep with it on. If you void yourself sometime in the night, you can wake me so that I can change you. Otherwise, I shall release you in the morning once it’s filled.”

_ Oh God,  _ Jared thought, _Jensen was absolutely right when he said it would be humiliating._

“Jared?”

Jared swallowed, “Yes, Sir. I accept my punishment.”

“No questions?” Jensen asked, a smile teasing at the corner of his lips.

Jared hunched his shoulders further into himself, “N-no, Sir.”

“Sweetheart, look-up. _Please.”_ The dom commanded softly, angling the laptop till it was facing Jared completely, “Look again at the image carefully and then answer that, all right?”

Jared stared at the screen for a few seconds and then glanced up at his Dom again, shrugging helplessly.

“No?” Jensen asked, shifting the laptop to the table so that he could pull the kneeling sub up into his lap. He frowned as he felt the tremors coursing through the younger man’s body and began rubbing his back in firm strokes. “You’re not in trouble, Kiddo. It’s okay... You’ve not disappointed me, okay? It’s perfectly acceptable to make mistakes Jared. It’s precisely why I’m here in the first place... You’re still my good boy.”

The actor took a few more shuddering breaths but then managed to compose himself.

“Now, the question I was anticipating was why I wasn’t counting your nudity as a punishment?”

Jared shrugged, “Because it’s not. You’re not asking me to be _naked_ , just open.”

Jensen smiled, “That was perceptive of you.”

Jared felt an answering smile bloom in response and nuzzled against the older man.

“Hungry?”

Jared shook his head.

“Why not?

“I had a light meal before going to the club as was suggested in the story you had me read.”

“Good boy,” Jensen praised, “May I ask what comprised your ‘light meal’?”

“A toast.”

“ ** _A_** toast?” Jensen repeated incredulously, “As in _one_ slice?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Was it buttered?”

“No, Sir.”

“Jared,” Jensen sighed, “You’re six two-”

“Six-four, Sir.” He corrected softly.

“Six-fo-”

“And a half-”

“ _And_ a half,” The Dom amended with a chuckle before sobering and continuing, “and you think a single slice of dry toast is enough for a meal?”

“I-” He started then lapsed into silence, “I’m sorry?”

The Dom just shook his head, “its fine. But I’m making some stew for myself and I expect you to have some too, alright?”

“Yes, Sir. As you wish.”

Jensen just laughed as he left the couch and headed for the small kitchen, “Why don’t you go and make a list of your infractions this week in the mean-time?”

He nodded and hurried to obey. When he came back to the room, the scent of warm broth and buttered rolls was wafting through the kitchen. Jensen carried a large bowl and a plate of rolls to the couch, indicated he wanted Jared to kneel next to him and switched on the television. He fed the younger man bits of freshly baked buttered rolls and stew throughout as they watched a show on the local cuisines of Sri Lanka. Once they were done, Jensen ordered him to take a shower and get ready for bed while he cleaned up after them. Jared was standing, staring at the long list of his errors when Jensen poked his head into the room.

“Ready for your punishment?”

He swallowed nervously.

Jensen smiled at his apprehension and held out his hand, “It’ll be fine. C’mon.”

Accepting the invitation without hesitation, he followed the Dom into the master bedroom, looking around curiously. The room was slightly larger than his, but not extravagantly so. The bed was a double king-sized one instead of the single at his room and the cupboards were a rich wooden colour instead of pale beige. There were thick, luxurious drapes over the single window that complemented the dark chocolate of the bedspread, but otherwise the room was remarkably frill-free.

Jensen crouched down to pull out an ornate wooden trunk from under the bed and Jared crowded up behind him curiously.

“You are not to touch this without explicit permission, clear?” Jensen murmured as he unlocked the chest.

On the underside of the lid were two types of paddle and a soft, braided-leather flogger was clamped on prime display while the inside edge of the lid had a series of variously sized items in obvious phallic shapes which Jared assumed were dildos and butt-plugs. The box itself had a thick rolled up rug and a large packet of ‘adult diapers’ as well as a smaller dark wooden box.

“What, no _Red Room of Pain_?” Jared questioned with a nervous laugh as he peered at the trunk’s contents.

“No anything ‘ _of pain’_ , Jared. I’m a dominant, not a sadist.”

“But those... those _things?”_ He pointed at the paddles and flogger.

“Those are just to make stuff interesting. Not pain, not unless _you_ want them to be.”

“Oh,” Jared responded, his voice reduced to a squeak as he watched Jensen pull out a diaper from the pack.

“On the bed,” 

He sat down uncertainly.

Jensen smiled as he looked up and noticed his nervousness. “Trust me?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy, move up a little... yeah, like that. On your back.”

Jared swallowed as he obeyed.

“May I?” Jensen whispered as he dipped his fingers just inside the elastic band of his briefs.

Jared nodded once and closed his eyes as the Dom swiftly divested him of his last garment. 

“Sshh... you’re okay. You’re doing so well, Sweetheart. Relax, alright? You’re okay. You’re safe.” The Dom murmured, rubbing slow circles into the freshly bared skin of his hip

Jared nodded as he felt his legs being folded gently upwards.

“Can you hold yourself like this for me, Jared?” 

He grabbed at his bent legs in response, blushing as he realized that with his legs bent up towards his chest as they were; Jensen had a clear view of his genitalia.

“Good boy,” The Dom praised lightly as he used a moist tissue to carefully wipe and then powder him ‘down there’. Then, with his left hand lifting Jared’s hips even higher off the bed, the Dom swiftly had the diaper in place. “Okay, almost done.”

Jared carefully lowered his legs, feeling the thick padding between his legs and blushing at the crinkly sounds of the tissue at his movements. He stared when Jensen held up a cotton cover for the diaper like those used for children, only this one was adult sized.

He felt his face flame with shame as the Dom had him carefully step into the teddy-bear printed material and pulled them up his legs.

“How’re you feeling?” Jensen asked as he surveyed his work.

“Ridiculous,” Jared mumbled, before quickly back-peddling at the imperiously raised brow, “I-I mean, it’s humiliating. I-I feel like a little kid.”

The Dom only nodded. “Okay, so you want to sleep in here, with me; or go back to your room?”

Jared bit his lip, he didn’t want Jensen to be far away in another room, but asking to sleep with the other man was even worse than wearing a frickkin’ diaper!

“There are no wrong answers here, Jared. It’s totally your choice.”

“Then you,” He whispered quickly, as though afraid that his choice might be taken from him “I want to sleep with you.”

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/44389.html)  



	10. Chapter 6: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter 6 **

  


  
  


  
Jared was surprised to find himself well rested when his eyes opened in the morning. He had been apprehensive about sharing a bed with Jensen while wearing a diaper nonetheless but he had fallen asleep easily enough. He turned to look at the Dom who had curled up behind him and was taken aback when he faced only pillows: apparently Jensen had already woken up. That the man had managed to leave the bed without waking him was proof of how deeply he had slept.

“Morning, Sunshine!”

Jared startled at the voice, instinctively drawing the covers closer to his nearly naked body before realising that it was only Jensen.

He sat up, still careful to keep the covers over his lap, “Good morning, Sir.”

Jensen waved away the greeting, “You don’t need to always be so formal... anyway, so. Uhm...Sleep well?”

“Yes sir.”

“That’s good.” Jensen smiled, “Need to pee yet?”

Jared felt himself turn instantly scarlet. He had very carefully been ignoring the fullness of his bladder, but Jensen’s question had his mind focussing on his need to void again. _God, he needed to pee like a racehorse!_

The Dom only laughed at his expression, “Feeling a little uncomfortable there, eh? Wanna try holding back or...?”

“ _Please...”_ Jared whispered.

“No,” Jensen shook his head, “This is your _punishment_ , Jared; and you’re not getting out of it. C’mon, it won’t be so bad.”

He shook his head frantically.

The Dom approached and cupped his cheek, “Sshhh... you can do this. Go into the bathroom, close your eyes and pretend you’re using the bowl, okay? It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”

Jared nodded and slipped out of the bed, waddling awkwardly to the bathroom. It was more difficult than Jensen had made it sound to use the diaper and he hated the wet warmth of it as it filled. He debated calling the older man in once he was done but it felt too humiliating and so he found himself stepping out of the bathroom, soggy diaper and all. He was unable to meet the older man’s eyes as he stood awkwardly scuffing his feet on the carpeted floor, “I’m done.”

Jensen looked up from where he was making the bed, taking in the drooping pants before meeting his eyes, “Yeah? Good boy. C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up, alright?”

Jared nodded and followed Jensen back into the bathroom, watching the older male fill the tub and adjust the water temperature. His fingers itched to shove off the wet diapers but he forced himself to wait, feeling his humiliation compound as the minutes trickled by. Eventually, the water was filled to the Dom’s satisfaction and Jensen turned to him, gently slipping off the cotton cover and the used diaper underneath before helping him into the water. 

“Careful, alright? Don’t slip and fall in,” The Dom warned, holding one of Jared’s hands as he stepped into the water.

And apparently that was the end of his limit...Because he felt his eyes brim over.

He struggled to rein his tears in but they kept leaking from his eyes even as he tried to control his heaving chest.

“Sshhh.... sshhh... I’ve got you. It’s alright, Sweetheart. I’m here...You’re okay. You’re okay. Sshhh... sshhh...”

He shook his head: here was sitting naked in a virtual stranger’s bathroom waiting to be bathed _. It wasn’t ‘okay’._

Jensen curled his arm around Jared’s shoulders, perched on the edge of the tub and leant up against his side, his cheek resting against Jared’s nape even as his free hand made repetitive sweeping movements on his torso in an effort to soothe him.

It took him a minute to figure out that Jensen was quietly shaking against him.

“You’re laughing!” And he hated the petulant note that leaked into his voice.

“No. Well, yes. Yes, I am... but not at you, Sweetheart. I was laughing because I cannot believe how perfect you are!”

_ “What?!” _ He demanded.

Jensen pulled back slightly so that he could shift a little and face Jared, “I’m going to be honest with you, alright? I had my doubts about whether this would work. I mean... it sounds okay on paper and everything, but still; this is about your health, and I wasn’t sure if I should take a risk, you know? What if I made things worse? I don’t want to hurt anybody by doing what I do. ... Anyway, so yeah; I was having doubts but your reaction just told me that we can do this. This is going to work, Jared. We _can_ do this!”

He managed a tremulous smile, “Yeah?”

Jensen nodded, still grinning widely, “Yeah. _God, you’re perfect!”_

Jared blushed and subsided, muscles uncoiling at the unexpected praise. Mellow from the endorphin rush, he allowed Jensen to shampoo his hair and wash his torso and legs without protest. Then the Dom handed over the wash-cloth, asked him to finish up and left the bathroom. He emerged to find fresh underwear (thankfully regular boxer-briefs this time), a pair of sweats and a soft tee-shirt waiting for him on the dresser.

“Breakfast is almost ready,” Jensen told him when he made his way to the kitchen, gesturing at the cushion next to a chair, “Sit.”

Jared knelt obediently.

Jensen came over a moment later carrying a plate of buttered toast, fluffy bacon and cheese omelette and diced fruits. No coffee.

“Alright, open your mouth,”

Jared obeyed and bit into the bread and omelette sandwich held to his mouth. He chewed as he watched Jensen take a bite himself before heading for the percolator and pouring himself a mug of fresh brewed coffee. He stared longingly at the aromatic beverage but Jensen didn’t offer him any. He continued to feed him and it wasn’t long before he felt full.

“No more, please.” 

“You just had two slices, Jared. That’s not enough for you!”

“And an omelette.”

“Doesn’t count.”

“I’ll get fat!”

“Okay, so don’t have the carb, have the fruit instead.”

“Jensen...” He whined.

“Not happening, Jared.”

He finished the fruits but then was forced to run to the bathroom as everything came right back up.

“Anorexic?” Jensen asked as he emerged.

“God, no... Just over-ate, I guess.”

“Hmmm,”

“So, what are we doing today?” He asked, practically vibrating with curiosity.

“Well, we’ll start with a massage.” Jensen told him mysteriously as he headed back towards the kitchen. 

Jared drank the offered water and nibbled on a dry toast as he watched the Dom heat some mustard oil and then added in a few cloves of garlic and a pinch of black cumin, allowing the two to sizzle lightly before pouring the mixture into a wide-mouthed glass bowl. “C’mon.”

Jared followed the older man to the roof, helped him spread a thick mat and then undressed when ordered.

“I’ve got high walls so no one’s going to see you, alright? And none of the other houses in the neighbourhood are high enough to be able to peer over them.”

Jared nodded. He had noticed as much himself.

“Shy?” Jensen asked when he hesitated over pulling down the underwear. The dom ruffled through a small cabinet at one corner of the roof and pulled out a fluffy towel, “Here,”

Jared accepted with a small smile.

“Okay then, on your stomach.”

He obeyed, acutely aware of Jensen crawling up on the mat next to his hips. 

“Tell me if it’s too hot,” Jensen told him and drizzled some of the oil in a steady line on his left calf.

“Shit,”

“What?”

“Tickles,”

Jensen smiled and put his hands over the oil, beginning to massage it firmly into his leg.

“So. ... Tell me about your week,”

Jared stiffened.

The Dom felt the change instantly, putting more pressure on the tightening muscles as he soothed: “Sshhh... easy. It’s just a question, Jared.”

He swallowed and forced himself to be still as he answered, “I- I was bad, Sir.”

“Um-hmm,”

Jared felt his face flame at the humouring tone in the dominant’s voice, “I was!”

“Tell me,” Jensen invited.

“I did like you asked... had a few of the scenes that were stressing me out forwarded. But-but they stress me out. And- and I’m not a nice person when I’m stressed. So, uhm... I was... I was whiny and bratty and petulant and-”

“You acted like a diva,” Jensen finished.

“Yes! _Exactly_. ... Thank you!”Jared nodded vigorously as felt Jensen start up on his other leg. “Problem is... I’m not good enough to _be_ a diva, you know?”

“What makes you say that?”

“What? That I’m not good enough? Because I- I’m not! ... I mean... it’s not like I’ve won the Oscars or something, you know?”

“You were nominated for the teen choice awards though, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t win! So it’s not like I have something to gloat about.  Besides, that was like a whole year ago.”

The dominant hummed in wordless agreement as he finished with his right calf muscles and moved up to his thighs.

For a long minute neither of them spoke but Jensen obviously wanted him to explain more because he said, “Yeah, but you’ve been a regular on this show for over a year now, right?”

“Yes. A _regular_ ,” He spat. “Not even good enough to land a spot as a lead... even on a show like thi- what’re you _doing?!_ ” Jared yelped, hands flying to cover himself unsuccessfully as Jensen yanked the towel off.

“What?” Jensen asked innocently.

“Please, Sir...”Jared whispered, fidgeting restlessly.

“Just giving you a massage, Jared. Calm down.” The Dom assured.

“Do I get a happy ending as well?”He asked cheekily, hoping to distract from his flaming face.

“Do you want one?”Jensen returned.

He pictured the older man’s hands slipping down to give him his ‘ _happy ending_ ’ and shuddered, “N-no.”

Jensen smiled, “I thought as much. Now relax. You’re knotted worse than a sailor’s rope.”

Jared chuckled at the comparison, relaxing slightly and lay back again. He shivered when the callused hands made a sweep over his back, focussing on the taut muscles of his shoulders and along his spine, relaxing into the pleasurable feelings even more as he figured that Jensen was _really_ not interested in taking advantage of him.

“You know, there _is_ a particular niche that would put you in a starring role in a heartbeat,” Jensen murmured.

He twisted his head to glance questioningly at the man and felt himself go scarlet at the waggled eyebrows lifting in his direction.    
“C’mon!” 

“What? I’m serious- you _are_ a magnificent specimen of young masculinity.”

“Seriously?”Jared felt his cheeks heat at the audible whine in his tone, “I am much too tall and skinny! I-I-I look like one of those stick figures that children draw!”

“Umhmm.”

“What? You don’t agree with me?”

“What I think doesn’t matter, Jared. Only what you believe.”Jensen answered evenly. “Anyway, tell me about your divorce proceedings. How’re they going?”

“Signed the final documents on Thursday,” Jared admitted, shoulders hunching in. 

“I see.” Jensen’s tone was very carefully neutral. “Parted on good terms?”

Jared bit his lip, remembering his ex-wife asking him to pull the stick out of his ass. He jumped when he felt Jensen’s fingers briefly dip inside the crease of his ass.

“Nope. Can’t find any stick in here. She must’ve been mistaken.”Jensen told him seriously.

Jared dissolved into a fit of giggles. “Damn, man. That was a good one!”

He closed his eyes as the Dom began kneading the muscles on his butt, clenching and hoping that the other man was not going to actually go further. Jensen tutted and smacked the right cheek lightly and he forced himself to loosen up with some difficulty. By the time Jensen was finished, the oil was half gone and Jared was nearly bone-less.

“Roll over.”

He obeyed drowsily, closing his eyes again when Jensen began to repeat the entire process on his front.

“There, all done.”

Jared forced his eyes open, each lid feeling like it weighed a ton.

“Sleepy?”

“Mmm,”

“Yeah, well, you’re not going to sleep now. C’mon, up!”

Jared groaned as he sat up, his muscles felt like they had liquefied and all he wanted to do was roll over and sleep.

“Up and at ‘em, Jared!” Jensen repeated and he spent a long minute staring up at the green eyed man before hauling himself to his feet.

“Good boy,” Jensen smiled and gestured at him to get up and follow him downstairs.

He whined but followed obediently, staring longingly at his discarded underwear. 

“You’re not gonna need it,” Jensen told him with a laugh as he led them back to his room and came to a stop before the mirror. 

Jared stared wide-eyed at the full-length mirror, “Jen?”

“Tell me what you see.”

Jared shook his head.

“C’mon, sweetheart. It’s okay... just me here. Tell me what you see.”

“I see a naked guy,”

Jensen chuckled, “Cute. Are you actually angling for a punishment?”

Jared choked, “Wha-”

“You’ve been acting out all morning, Jared. Do you _want_ a punishment?”

“n-no... I’m sorry.”

“Too bad,” Jensen answered evenly, “You’ve earned yourself one. ... Bend over the bed.”

Jared trembled, but followed the order mutely, bending over and presenting his bared rear.

“Stay,” Jensen told him and disappeared from the room briefly. Although it wasn’t long, by the time he got back, Jared’s hands were fisted in the bedspread and he was struggling to keep position.

“Sshhh... you’re okay, Sweetheart. You’re safe, alright? It’s just me... I’m here and you’re safe, alright? I’ve got you.” Jensen murmured, stroking gentle fingers over his back.

It took a few minutes but gradually his breathing normalized and all that was left were his drying tear tracks.

“Better?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy.” Jensen praised, “Ever had something in your butt?”

Jared flushed a deep scarlet.

Behind him, Jensen chuckled lightly, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Jared felt his heart rate pick up again but with having the Dom near helped.

“Well, that’s what is going to happen here, alright? I’m going to stuff your ass. Do I have your consent?”

Jared wanted to scramble away, but he made himself trust his Dom, “Yes Sir.”

“I need to hear your colour, Jared.”

Jared blushed, “Green, Sir.”

“Good boy,” Jensen whispered as he carefully parted his vulnerable nether cheeks and worked a finger into Jared’s defenceless hole expertly, loosening it before pushing in something moist and cold.

Jared’s resolve broke: “Please...”

Jensen’s movements stopped instantly, “Are you calling your safe-word?”

Jared shook his head and risked a glance behind him as he explained, “Please, Sir... I- I don’t think I’m ready to-”

“I know,” Jensen answered in a clipped voice, “And you’re safe. _Trust me_...”

Jared struggled to keep breathing deeply as Jensen resumed his ministrations. He gritted his teeth, prepared to endure whatever Jensen had planned, but then the Dom was straightening again, “There, I’m done. Anyway, so...uhm... go back to the mirror and kneel before it. We’re going to try that last question again: what do you see?”

Jared moved to where he was directed in confusion- _wasn’t Jensen going to penetrate him?_ Shrugging inwardly- _and grateful for the reprieve-_ he kneeled, feeling absolutely humiliated at being made to kneel before a mirror _au natural_. “I... I see a tall, young Caucasian male...twenty to twenty-five years, with l-lo-long hair and strange e-e-ee- eeiii!!!” He gasped, whatever had been pushed into his channel was burning him from the inside!

“Continue.” Jensen reprimanded, obviously having expected this very reaction.

“s-s-stra-a-ange e-e-ice.” He finished haltingly, breath wheezing.

“What?”

“I-I-... Eyes! Weird i-i-eyes!”

“And?”

“A-and... he is tall.”

“So you said. What else?”

“He’s skinny.”

“Good, and-?” 

“Jensen... Sir! Ple-please!”

“Jared, _continue_.” Jensen’s voice held no room for argument.

“He’s thin and has a really pointed nose. And- and- and it hurts! Please, Sir!”

“Tell me one positive thing about the man in the mirror,”

Jared shook his head desperately, writhing as much as possible without actually moving from his position, “Ugh...”

“Jared, focus!” Jensen snapped, “One positive thing and I’ll remove the ginger.”

His chest heaved and his fingers twitched towards his rear, but Jensen was behind him almost instantly; grabbing his hands and holding him still. The Dom’s breath was warm against the shell of his ear as he murmured, “One. Positive. Thing.”

“Please...” He whispered.

Jensen shook his head, “C’mon, you can do this... is there nothing positive that you can say for yourself?”

Jared’s breath hitched and he fidgeted as he regarded his reflection through blurry eyes, struggling to focus on something other than the burning in his rear, “He’s proportional.”

Jensen sighed in defeat and gestured at him to get to his feet. Jared complied. He pulled out whatever had been filling him and wrapped it in a tissue before tossing it into the bin.

Jared heaved a breath, it was better with his channel empty again, but ... it still burned! He jumped when the other man slammed down a slim notebook and a pen in front of him.

“Put down today’s date, and then write _one_ positive thing about you,” Jensen told him, “Something a little less superficial than being _proportional.”_ His eyes trailed down his nude form meaningfully before he turned and stalked out of the room.

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/44582.html)   



	11. Chapter 7: sanshal

  
** Therapy **   
** Chapter 7 **   


  
  


Jared awkwardly limped down the stairs and to the kitchen where Jensen was deftly chopping garlic cloves. He fidgeted slightly, shifting from foot to foot till the Dom turned to him with a raised brow.

“I’m done,”

Jensen nodded and turned back to the chopping board where he now had onions, “What did I tell you about waiting?”

“Oh, sorry.” Jared mumbled and sank to his knees.

“Sorry _Sir_.”

“Sorry, Sir _.”_ He repeated dutifully.

Jensen nodded but made no move to approach him, moving instead onto cauliflower florets, some kale and then a cabbage which he sliced into fine strips. “You don’t hate garlic, do you?”

Jared shook his head.

“Aloud, Sweetheart.” The Dom told him without looking.

“Uhm, Sorry. No, I do not mind garlic, Sir. Not unless I’m going out.”

“Great,” Jensen responded brightly.

Jared watched as Jensen retrieved a large pot and set it on the flame before adding some butter, the diced garlic and onions, some bay-leaves and then meat- chicken pieces from what he could see. He stirred for a few minutes before adding pre-soaked rice and then a cup of milk. He covered the pot with a transparent lid after another light stir and walked over to Jared, “Alright, show me.”

He offered up the notebook wordlessly.

“I have been blessed with good friends.” Jensen read before raising his eyes to meet Jared.

“Uh... yeah?”

For a moment, Jensen stared quietly back before nodding crisply.

Jared fidgeted, “Is... is it okay?”

“It’s not-” Jensen hesitated, eventually settling on: “It’s not ideal, but it’s a start.”

Jared nodded.

“I want you to write one sentence in this notebook every day... It’s un-ruled on purpose, because I want you to try and make sure that your line runs either upward or straight. Straight would be what we’re hoping to achieve here, but upwards is acceptable too. Just try to avoid the downward slope you currently have going.”

Jared nodded again.

Something of his confusion must have shown because Jensen added, “No, I’m serious about this, alright? Be conscious of the maintaining the line _whenever_ you write... draw a pencil line for reference if necessary... Even if you don’t succeed, _try.”_

“Yes... yes Sir.”

Jensen smiled, “Good boy. ... Now, are you still uncomfortable from the ginger? You have time for a bath before lunch if you do.”

“Uh... yes, please.”

“Great, go on then. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

The day continued much in the same vein: Jensen plying him with food every few hours and asking questions and assigning tasks. He managed to avoid further punishment and felt strangely lighter when Jensen tucked him in bed that night after the two of them polished off whatever remained from the afternoon’s jambalaya.

“Jared...”

“Yeah?” He asked sleepily.

“Tell me if I’m out of line, but it felt like you’re not satisfied with your physical... image.”

“I-... You’re not... wrong.” He answered hesitantly, “I mean, if I was in any other job, I guess I wouldn’t have worried, but given I aspire to be an actor-”

“You _are_ an actor.” Jensen interrupted.

“Well, I mean a ...a better known actor, then.”

“Would you like me to help?”

“You’d do that? He asked hopefully.

“Personally, I think you are just fine...but if you want, I can help you build some muscle.”

“And lose some fat?”

“You’re not fat.” Jensen countered, “You’re still growing, Sweetheart; you need a little fat to help with that. ... but yes, I can help you get some definition.”

“Wow.” Jared whispered, “That would be great! Yes, yes please. And thank you.”

“Good boy,” Jensen whispered, trailing a gentle finger down the side of his face in a caress, “So polite.”

Jared blushed.

“Now I- I’m not a fitness trainer, Jared; but I know someone who can help. We can meet him tomorrow if it’s okay with you.”

“Someone else?” He questioned uncertainly.

“You’ll be safe. And besides, I’ll be there,” Jensen assured. “You trust me, right?”

Jared nodded immediately.

Jensen woke him at four thirty the next day and introduced him to Chris.

 

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/44999.html)  



	12. Interlude 2: sanshal

 

  
****Therapy  
[Interlude 2]   


> “Someone looks happy,” The therapist commented at their next session.
> 
> Jensen’s smile only widened, “I am, I _really_ am _._ ”
> 
> “That good, huh?”
> 
> “He’s a natural... responds so beautifully... you should see him, Doc.”
> 
> “Yeah? And... Not to be a downer, but is it helping him? His depression, I mean?”
> 
> “It’s too early to say definitely,” Jensen admitted, “But his response has been positive, so far. He calmed down and admitted to feeling more relaxed after our first session.”
> 
> “That’s promising.”
> 
> “Yeah, and I got him to specify some of his symptoms-”
> 
> She leaned forward curiously, “Excellent!”
> 
> “He- he says he’s got this voice in his head which keeps putting him down.”
> 
> “Constantly?”
> 
> “No, not constantly, but frequently enough that he’s begun believing in it.”
> 
> She nodded as she made a note in her pad, “Yeah, that’s common among quite a few of my patients as well. I hope you’re not planning to engage in humiliation play with h-”
> 
> “Of course not!” Jensen agreed, “He’s so sensitive to criticism already, humiliation play would destroy him completely.”
> 
> “Umhmm,” She agreed, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
> 
> “I’m trying to focus on positive reinforcements and an instant punishment scheme.”
> 
> “ _Punishment_?” A perfectly arched brow rose up in sudden concern, brown eyes sharp with disbelief.
> 
> “Yes, if he does something wrong or disobeys, I choose an appropriate punishment. I inform him that he is going to be punished and what the punishment would entail... Then he tells me what he did wrong and or what thinks he did wrong and then we discuss what he could have done different to avoid the punishment. If required, I explain what I’m hoping to achieve with his punishment and whether he agrees to it. I encourage him to dwell on his error while the punishment is actually being administered-”
> 
> “Aftercare?”
> 
> “Definitely! Not a newbie, Doc.”
> 
> “Hmm, okay and yes, I know you’re a good Dom, Jay. I trust you; but there are still some things I need to know-”
> 
> “Of course, anything” The Dom agreed instantly.
> 
> “What did you mean when you said that he ‘does something wrong’?” She gestured, making air quotes around the words, “And how do you define ‘ _wrong’_ in this scenario? Who decides it?”
> 
> “Wrong ... well, I’ve given him a set of basic rules- honesty, punctuality, respect and the like... Ignoring any of them is classified as wrong. Obviously, I play judge and jury in these cases... other times... well, you remember that soft-board I’ve got set up?” He waited for her nod to continue, “He is to come and list his ‘mistakes’ since our last session. ... Gives me a chance to see what he feels guilty about. If I can, I explain and dismiss the points that are excusable; for the rest I administer a punishment that we both agree to fit the crime so that he can forgive himself.”
> 
> “Hmmm,” She hummed, making another note before looking up to meet his eyes, “That’s good, sounds perfectly reasonable. I assume you’ve already got a safe-word set up?”
> 
> He nodded instantly.
> 
> “But just to be on the safe side, I want you to additionally get his colour before every punishment session, make sure you’re both on the same page.”
> 
> Jensen was nodding his agreement before she had even finished speaking, “Sure, I can do that.”
> 
> “Did you find out if he feels excessively tired or sleepy? Lethargic?”
> 
> “Could that be a symptom?” He asked, leaning forward in his concern.
> 
> “It _is_ one-” She agreed.
> 
> “He claimed to be exhausted the first night and dropped off to sleep faster than I’d anticipated-”
> 
> “Do you know whether he slept in?”
> 
> “I- uh... I woke him once he’d gotten a decent eight hours... should I have allowed him to sleep more?”
> 
> “He spent the night with you?”
> 
> The Dom had the grace to look self-conscious, “He uh... he had a few days off from work, I asked him to spend them with me,”
> 
> “Ooh....” And for a moment she was his best friend instead of the consummate professional.
> 
> “C’mon Doc...”
> 
> She laughed but let go of the teasing.
> 
> “Seriously, do you think I messed up?”
> 
> She frowned, “Was he miserable the whole day?”
> 
> “Uh... he was slightly irritable in the morning but then he seemed to relax as the day progressed. Why?”
> 
> She nodded, “Lots of my patients suffering from depression say that some days they find it hard to get out of bed...”
> 
> “I see.” He made a quick note on the palm of his hand.
> 
> She rolled her eyes before tearing off a page from her notepad and offering it to him with a smirk, “Still not comfortable making notes on your phone, I see.”
> 
> Jensen chuckled, “I think half of our problems are because we’ve become too reliant on our phones. No one seems to realize how therapeutic writing something manually is... and because of our reliance on these damned devices we’re missing out on the early signs of these problems.”
> 
> “I forgot you’d done a course in graphology,” She laughed, “But yes, you’re right... these cell phones are harming more than just the environment.”
> 
> Jensen nodded, “Exactly my thoughts. Anyway, what else?”
> 
> “I still can’t figure out if it’s situational or chemical...” She admitted with a sigh, “In either case, his serotonin levels are low from what you’ve told me.”
> 
> “Is there a way to raise the ... the sellotine levels without resorting to drugs?”
> 
> “ _Serotonin_. It’s a neurotransmitter... a brain hormone, so to speak,” She elaborated, “Works with another one known as _Dopamine_. It’s known as the _happy hormone_ in lay mans’ terms because of its association with our moods.”
> 
> “ _Serotonin_ , right.”
> 
> “Get him to exercise and spend some time in the sun. And give him dark chocolate... obviously not too much, not just because it’s fatty but because though the sugar is helpful in elevating moods in the short term, they do more harm than good in the long term, okay?”
> 
> “Exercise and sun. Dark chocolates. No candy; got it.” Jensen repeated, jotting it on the leaf of paper.
> 
> She smiled, “Massages might help as well. And physical affection.”
> 
> “Seriously?” His voice was incredulous.
> 
> “Yeah absolutely, you can check my books if you want,”
> 
> “Yeah, okay... Okay I can do that, I guess. What ‘bout praise?”
> 
> “Of course. Praise goes a long way towards building self-confidence and that is clearly lacking in the majority of depression patients. Give him small, achievable targets and let him succeed. It’ll help build his self relian-”
> 
> They both turned towards the clock when the alarm went off, announcing the time for the session was over.
> 
> Jensen gave a crisp nod as he climbed to his feet, “Alright, good talk Doc. See you next week.”  
>  \---  
>  [Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/45098.html)

> 


	13. Chapter 8: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter 8 **

Jared woke at midnight, feeling unnaturally cold. He went to take a leak, and noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the pasty complexion of his skin. A part of him felt bad for worrying his mother like this, but he was too exhausted to really care. He hadn’t been out of the house since he got in and he’d refused to leave his room for the past day, giving her the excuse of a migraine. He got back in and debated whether or not he should call Jensen at this hour- staring back at his reflection, he was suddenly hundred percent sure that  he was experiencing a crash: he didn’t want to get out of bed, and barely had the energy to even drink some water or have a few bites. He felt cold and jittery and just wanted to sleep. But, most of all, he wanted Jensen. 

Though it felt like an almost insurmountable task, he managed to grab his phone and hit the speed-dial for the Dom. Jensen answered a few rings in, voice sleep heavy and rough: “Hello?”

“Jen,” Jared sighed, just hearing the older man’s voice calmed something deep in him.

And instantly the Dom sounded alert: “What’s wrong?” 

“I need you.” He managed to whisper.

There was a split second of silence and then: “Okay, I’m on my way.”

Jared sighed in relief.

“How bad are you dropping?”

His teeth chattered as though in response.

“Are you cold? Grab a blanket.”

“I’m already under a blanket.” He mumbled.

“Obviously that’s not enough, then!” Jensen snapped. “Get up; pop a piece of chocolate in your mouth. Grab a pair of socks and pull them on. Gloves if you can find them. If the chocolate’s finished, then eat another piece. Keep the chocolate with you. Drink a glass of water, and get back under the blankets. Try to sleep, if you can. I’m on my way. Keep the phone close, yeah? Call me if you need me. ... I- I’m getting into my car now. Even if I drive all night, it’s going to take me at least five hours, alright? Can you hold on that long, Sweetheart? Hold on till I get there?”

“I’ll try,” Jared whispered.

“No. There is no try. I’m _ordering_ you, alright? I’m ordering you to get some sleep and call me if you need me. I’ll be there when you wake up.”

“Not sleepy,” he mumbled.

“Did I ask if you _wanted_ to sleep? I _told_ you that you’re going to sleep, clear?”

“Yes... yes, Sir.” 

“Good boy.” Jensen praised. “Do you want me to hold the line?”

“Yes, please...?” He answered.

“Okay. Sure.” Jensen agreed readily. Jared heard some shuffling around and then the low hum of the engine- Jensen had apparently put the phone on speaker. For a long moment neither of them said anything, then Jensen  began to hum some song- _the lyrics were indistinctive_ over the line _..._ and Jared clutched the phone tighter. He fell asleep clutching the phone.

He woke to the sound of his name. Jerking awake, he rubbed at his eyes and remembered the phone. Putting it up to his ear, he heard Jensen repeat his name. In the background, he could hear the ticking of the engine as it wound down. Surprisingly, the same sound seemed to come from outside as well. Not daring to hope, he made his way to the window and sucked in a breath when he saw the car outside.

“Jen?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” The older man confirmed; voice tinny as it crackled across the phone lines. “Come out and greet me properly.”

Jared raced downstairs, glad that no one else seemed to be up and about at the early hour and stepped out. Jensen opened his arms and he literally fell into them.

“You okay?” Jensen asked after a few moments when Jared continued to hold onto him, inhaling his scent and trying to ground himself the Dom’s presence.

“I am now,” He nodded, exhaling shakily and finally letting go to put a bit of space between them.

“You look like shit,”

“Uhm... sorry?”

“Oh, you will be.” Jensen promised him. “Go and put on your running shoes, we’re going for a jog. Oh, and get me some water? I’m all out.”

Jared nodded and hurried to obey... and soon they were pounding the pavement, Jensen allowing him to take the lead. They made their way to the neighbourhood park and ran for a while  till they were both soaked in sweat. And then Jensen pulled him to the shadows amidst a cluster of trees. 

“Have you been keeping up with the regimen Chris’ prescribed for you?” The Dom demanded as he sat down wearily on the empty bench hidden in the grove.

“N-no, Sir” Jared bit his lip, glancing longingly at the bench but knowing he had not been invited to join the older man in rest. The thought instantly made him feel guilty- _Jensen had been driving all night, unlike him._

“Why not?” Jensen offered him the bottle after he’d had his fill.

He accepted gratefully as he shrugged, “I... I guess I wanted to catch up on my sleep, sir.”

“Hmmm,”

“Sir?”

“Well, I guess you need to finish them now, in that case.”

Jared shuddered but nodded and began the first set obediently. Already exhausted from their jog, he was drenched in sweat and panting from the strain within five minutes.

“ _Stop._ ”

Jared froze.

“You’re trembling like a leaf... ” Jensen observed, “You cannot go on like this, guess we need to begin from scratch and build up your stamina again before you can resume Chris’ regimen.”

Jared swallowed, ducking his head in shame, “I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Sweetheart...C’mere,” Jensen called, pulling out a small envelope of something and upturning it between his feet. Jared’s eyes followed the movement as the grains of rice scattered across the dew-covered ground. “Kneel.”

Jared winced but didn’t protest as he sank to his knees before the older male.

“Good boy, now tell me why didn’t you call me when you first began feeling bad?” Jensen demanded, tilting his head up with a finger under Jared’s chin till he met the Dom’s viridian gaze.

Jared found himself unable to hold that steady gaze for long, “I-... I didn’t realize till last night.”

Jensen shook his head, “The truth, Sweetheart.”

Jared hunched in on himself, “I...I- I guess I didn’t want to intrude during your vacation-”

“Oh, Sweetheart...” Jensne whispered sadly, “I’m always here for you, okay? You’re welcome to call me. ... _Anytime_.”

They both lapsed into silence after the Dom’ declaration and sat in companionable silence for long minutes, Jensen’s fingers weaving unknown patterns through Jared’s sweaty locks. It was nearly ten minutes when Jared shifted minutely. Jensen was immediately focussed. “Hurting?”

“Uhm... yes, Sir. A little.”

“Tell me something that you will always count as a positive, no matter what happens...”

Jared barely had to think, confident about his answer: “My family, Sir.”

Jensen smiled, “I see. Okay, I guess we’re done here, dust yourself off and we’ll head back.”

They were on the Padalecki porch when Jensen broke the silence, “Ummm Jared, do you trust me?”

He glanced at the older man in surprise, “Yeah, sure. Of course I do.”

“Good, ‘cause we need to tell your family.”

“ _What_?!”

“Clinical depression is no joking matter, Jared. And your family needs to know.”

He swallowed, but before he could respond, the door was opening.

“Jared!” His mother called, staring at him with wide eyes. It took her a minute to notice Jensen next to her and then her face dissolved into a confused frown. “Oh.”

“Good morning, Ma’am. I’m Jensen- Jared’s friend from LA. I apologise for dropping in unannounced like this.”

“I see,” she murmured, “And it’s not a problem, of course you’re welcome here. C’mon in.”

He smiled as he accepted the invite. “Thank you.”

“I-... Jared didn’t tell us he was expecting you-”

“I know, and again, I’m sorry to barge in un-announced... but I spoke to him last night and figured I needed to be here. There is something we would like to share with y’all.”

She looked between them suspiciously but ever the polite host gestured them to the sitting room where Jared’s father and brother were already gathered.

“The boys wanted to tell us something.” She explained once introductions were complete.

“Way to come out of the closet, bro!” Jared’s brother laughed, “You think we never suspected?”

“What?!” Jared gasped, “That’s not... Wait, what do you mean you guys _suspected_?!”

Jensen placed a comforting hand on his knee and he subsided, pouting slightly.

“I wish what we were about to share was something as simple as Jared being gay,” Jensen spoke into the silence.

“He’s not?!” 

“Of course not! I- I don’t even want to know where y’all got that crazy ide-!” Jared grumbled.

“ _Jared_.”

The way his mouth snapped shut at the low reprimand from Jensen had his family looking at each other in trepidation.

Jensen broke the brief second of absolute silence, “It has not been confirmed because he refuses to go to a doctor, but I believe your son exhibits some classic symptoms of clinical depression.”

For a minute no one said anything but then Jared’s father was speaking up, “ _Are you out of your damn mind?!_ Jared’s always so full of energy. And- And- and he’s happy. He- he’s not depressed! He’s always smiling for heaven’s sake!”

“Eccedentesiast,” Jensen supplied, nodding knowingly.

“What?” His father asked faintly.

“Eccedentesiast- a person who hides pain behind smiles.” The Dom elaborated.

“You think he’s _faking_ it?” His mother asked.

“I _know_ he’s faking it.” Jensen returned with a sad smile. “He tries to be there for everybody, help everybody... God, sometimes he’s such a ball of sunshine that it’s actually annoying-”

“Just because you’re not happy yourself doesn’t mean anyone who’s happy is faking it.” Jared’s brother interrupted.

“Yes, but have you observed him when he thinks no one is watching? _Because I have_. ... And those powerful shoulders of his? They go up around his ears as he tries to disappear. He never looks up or even straight ahead, finding his scuffed converse far more interesting for some reason... Even when he sleeps, he curls into himself... Hell, look at him now; he’s trying to take up as little space as humanly possible.”

Jared gasped as all eyes swung to him at the announcement. He had never realized how acutely he was being observed all this while... and while it was reassuring in a way to know there was someone out there who was quite _literally_ ‘watching over him’, having four pairs of eyes on him made him uncomfortable.

“It’s okay.” Jensen whispered, placing his hand- palm up- on Jared’s knee in obvious invitation. “You’re okay. Relax.”

He grasped onto the offered hand instinctively like it was a life-line and it was only then that he realized that he had begun to hyperventilate.

“Sshhh... sshhh... you’re okay. It’s just your family, Swee- Jared... They love you. You’re okay. You’re safe...”

He shook his head, crowding closer to Jensen.

“Jared...” Jensen’s voice was pitched low and comforting. He switched the hand Jared was holding onto and wrapped his free hand around the younger’s shoulders, “You’re okay, I promise...sshh... it’s okay... it’s okay. Alright, c’mon now... deep breaths, yeah? With me. _Inhale.... Exhale..._ Good boy. Again, now... _Inhale.... Exhale..._ ”

Gradually his breathing slowed and he became aware of the curious stares of his family.

“You’re okay... nobody thinks less of you, Jared.”

“Yeah, of course not, Baby... why didn’t you tell us?” His mother added, placing a warm hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged, “Didn’t know how to tell you...”

“Oh, Baby... c’mere...”  His mother whispered, opening her arms and perching on the couch next to him. 

With a glance at Jensen, Jared adjusted so that he was curled up against his mother; much like the way he had when he’d still been a child.

For long moments, no one knew what to say... and then his father’s perceptive gaze landed on Jensen: “You said he had classic symptoms...”

“I did.” Jensen agreed, taciturn as always.

“Care to share?” Jared’s brother spoke up.

“Oh, Uhm... He’s been suffering from bouts of insomnia. And he barely has an appetite... He... if you look at his writing from the past few months- _maybe even years, I don’t know_ , he has a consistent downward slope- be it his signature or a phone number or anything really. Even when using a ruled page, his lines tend to have a downward tilt.”

“And _that_ means he is depressed?” Jared’s brother asked, his tone disbelieving.

“The handwriting is a big sign, yes. If it was one paragraph or a day’s writing, it wouldn’t have mattered, but he’s had that downward slope for quite some time now and it’s not getting better... Another thing is his inability to maintain eye-contact if you compliment him. He’s polite, no doubt about that... and part of it may be shyness; but I’ve noticed him dropping his eyes every time someone praises hi-”

“What does that mean?

“What?”

“That he lowers his eyes on being admired?”

“That he doesn’t believe in the praise.”

“Oh.” Jared’s brother’s mouth hung open.

“And he has this tendency to negatively compare himself with everybody he knows.”

“But-”

Jensen raised an eyebrow.

Jared’s mother shared a glance with her husband before speaking: “We’ve always been supportive of him... And –and-and he was such a good kid that we barely had to reprimand him. And Jeffy’s in a different field altogether so it cannot have been sibling rivalry... I don’t understand-”

“Please... it’s no one’s _fault_. Depression is a condition... It can strike _anybody_ and _everybody._ So, please...” Jensen cut in.

“Its... you’re saying it’s a... a _disease_?”

“Sure, as much as pneumonia or Parkinson’s or-or-or even cancer...”

“So he can be treated?... _Mended_?”

“I’m not broken, Jeffrey; and I don’t need _mending!_ ”Jared snapped, straightening from where he’d been leaning against his mother.

“I- ... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-” His brother apologised instantly even as Jensen growled a low _‘Jared.’_

His cheeks heated at the obvious reprimand and shook his head in frustration, waiving off the apology. A familiar palm squeezed his knee and he relaxed.

“What can we do to help?”

“Honestly? Just be there for him.” Jensen told them. “Assure him you love him and accept him... that you _always_ will... And most importantly, that you _trust_ him.”

They nodded but Jared wondered if they actually _understood_ what Jensen was saying.

Apparently Jensen had the same thought because he pressed on: “No, I’m serious... Jared isn’t compromised- physically or mentally. He is perfectly capable of handling himself, and he doesn’t need your pity. He’s not an idiot and he is as capable of leading his own life today as he was before you knew about his depression. So... and I know it will be difficult for you, but try not to treat him like a mentally challenged patient or a child. Show him the respect you would show any other adult. ... Have his back- _through everything_. And promise him your love.”

They nodded soberly.

“That’s all great, but where do you fit into all this?” His father asked after a brief minute of silence as everyone digested his words.

“I’m his friend-”

“Uhm... _special_ friend?” Jeffrey waggled his eyebrows teasingly at Jared but glanced at Jensen to check if it was okay.

“What? No! No! It’s not like that...” Jensen blushed, and for the first time Jared saw him flustered, “We- we’re not dating. We’re just friends... And up in LA I figured two Texas boys like us should stick togethe-”

“You’re a Texan?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Born and raised,”

Jared’s father’s lips curled up in a slow smile, “I _thought_ I detected a familiar twang.... So, where are you from?”

“Richardson, Sir.”

“And you drove all the way for my son?”

“Of course I did! He’s my friend.”

“You’re a good friend,” His father smiled, eyes soft.  
\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/45454.html)


	14. Chapter 9: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter 9 **

Jared panted as he worked through his sets as prescribed by Chris. His legs trembled as he tried to hold the position and was vaguely aware of Jensen watching him. They had developed a routine of sorts: Jared came to Jensen’s directly from the studio and handed over the notebook with his one sentence per day of something positive about himself or his life. He then went into his room and undressed down to his boxer-briefs, evaluated his day on the white-board and knelt by Jensen till the Dom was free. Then they went upstairs to Jensen’s in-house gym and Jared worked out for an hour with Jensen watching him like a hawk. By the time he was finished, he was totally drenched in sweat and barely had the energy to follow Jensen downstairs. Jensen would look into his evaluation of the day and administer punishment if required and Jared would then head off to take a shower. When he emerged, Jensen would be waiting for him with some juice and a snack of some sort- either fruits or a salad, and then they would either lounge in front of the television or Jared would kneel by his side while Jensen worked. If Jared had lines to learn or a new script to read, he would work on that himself. This was the part of his new routine that Jared cherished: they could be sitting in silence, but there was still this peacefulness that he found when Jensen was close. Jensen would drive him home, and then wait till he was done with his nightly ablutions. The Dom would tuck Jared in every night and once he was nearly asleep, he would quietly leave, shutting the door behind himself.

“So, what happened today?”

Jared looked up at the deviation from regular routine: Jensen never interrupted him during his workout; but then again, today was special: _He had had a panic attack earlier in the day and resorted to calling Jensen._   
\---   
** [5 hours ago] **   
\---   
_ “Jen!” _

_ “Jared, what’s wrong?”The Dom asked right off the bat, not missing the tremble in his voice. _

_ “I- I need you,” _

_ There was the briefest hesitation, and then: “Jared... I- I can’t come right now. I’m sorry.... can you tell me what’s happening?” _

_ “I can’t breathe!” _

_ “What?! Get someone to call you an EMT-” _

_ “No!” _

_ “Jared...” Jensen sighed patiently. _

_ “Just- just talk to me for a bit, alright? It helps to hear your voice.” _

_ Jensen agreed and kept speaking in that low, soothing tone-  _ when he thought about it later, Jared couldn’t recall what Jensen has spoken about _-   he continued speaking till Jared felt more like himself. Then, “Better?”_

_ “Yes, thank you.” _

_ “Good,” Jensen agreed, “Care to tell me what had you sp panicked?” _

_ Jared blushed a deep pink as he confessed, “We have a new guest star on the show.” _

_ “Said something to you?” Jensen asked, the instant protective question warming something in him. _

_ “The- the opposite actually... she- she’s so perfect, you know?” _

_ And he could hear Jensen sigh as the older man relaxed, “Perfect, huh?” _

_ “Yeah, I-... uh...I-I really like her, Jen.” _

_ “That’s- uh... yeah, that’s great,” Jensen responded, “So what’s with the panic?” _

_ “She- she’s so pretty and smart and nice and charming and-” _

_ “Whoa, cowboy!” Jensen laughed, “Slow the roll.” _

_ Jared blushed, “S’rry.” _

_ “It’s fine...” Jensen assured him, “But I  _ still _do not see a problem.”_

_ “Why would someone as amazing as her even take notice of someone like me?” _

_ “Jared, what are you doing right now?” Jensen’s voice was sharp, the weight of command in his tone obvious even through the phone-lines. _

_ “I-uh... I’m talking to you,” He offered hesitantly. _

_ “Standing?” _

_ “Sitting,” _

_ “Hmmm... Okay, now explain to me what you meant by ‘someone like me’?” _

_ “I’m -... I’m... I’m downright ugly compared to her.” _

_ “You think she is shallow? That all she would care about are your physical attributes?” _

_ “What? No!” Jared protested instantly. _

_ “Hmmm...  Well, you’re still growing, Sweetheart.  _ And _you’re working on your body. You cannot expect overnight results without resorting to drugs and well, I’m not letting you take ‘em.”_

_ He felt a shy smile touch his lips, “You think I’ll ever grow out of this gawky body?” _

_ “I hope not,” Jensen responded instantly, “But I do hope you will start feeling better about yourself soon. ... You-you’re incredible, Sweetheart. And drop-dead gorgeous as far as I am concerned.” _

_ “Thanks,” He whispered. _

_ “What else?” _

_ “She wrapped up her scene in three takes.” _

_ “She had a big part?” _

_ “Nah, like I said... it’s a guest spot.” _

_ “Lots of dialogue?” _

_ “Guest star, Jensen.” He repeated as though that explained everything. _

_ “Hmmm... so... what exactly did her scene involve?” _

_ “Walking onstage and accepting a trophy for winning the district-level quiz.” _

_ “So ... no dialogues?” _

_ “She says ‘thank you’ to the principal when he hands over the award.” _

_ “And?” _

_ “She turns to face the students and raises her hand with the trophy-” _

_ “It took her five takes?” _

_ “Hey, she had to manoeuvre those wobbly steps in high heels,” _

_ “Ah...”Jensen hummed in understanding. _

_ “Stop... stop mocking her!” _

_ “I’m not,” Jensen responded, “I’m sure it’s tough to do what she did cinematically... but Jared, you’re an accomplished actor too! I just don’t see why you feel like she’s better than you,” _

_ Jared ducked his head at the obtuse compliment. _

_ “Do something for me?” _

_ “Yes, Sir.” _

_ “Sit up straight, alright? Don’t slouch; back straight, shoulders’ back and chin up. Done?” _

_ “Yes, Sir.” He answered crisply, obeying instantly. _

_ “Good boy, now tell me one good thing about yourself,” _

_ “Sir?” _

_ “C’mon, Jared... You’ve been writing diligently in the notebook like I told you to for weeks now, can’t you do it aloud?” _

_ He hesitated briefly, “I-uh... I guess you could say that I’m reliable, Sir.” _

_ “You **guess**?” _

_ “Uhm... I- I’m reliable, Sir.” _

_ “That’s good, Good boy.” Jensen praised, “What else?” _

_ “I’m friendly?” _

_ “Are you  _ asking me?”

_ “No, I’m sorry Sir... I- I’m friendly, Sir.” _

_ “Good boy, now; was that hard?” _

_ “No, Sir.” _

_ “Good; great, actually... now go and talk to that chick.” _   
\---   
** [Present] **   
\---   
“You already know what happened,” Jared hedged.

“Ah, yes. The chick. You spoke to her?”

Jared blushed and sucked in a breath as he ducked his head to give a short nod.

“She turn out to be as amazing as you had imagined?”

“Even better,” Jared answered, his blush going darker.

“Wow, she must be something, then. That’s –that’s amazing, Jared! I’m so happy for you,”

“It’s not like I popped the question or something,”

Jensen’s eyes narrowed curiously as he asked, “But you’re ... _thinking_ ‘bout it?”

He nodded shyly.

“Huh, wow.”

He raised his head to give a quizzical glance towards the older man, “Sir?”

“Uh... I mean, good, that’s uh- great! _Congratulations_... I mean... this is really amazing, Jared. So, anyway, have you even asked her out yet?”

“I’ll ask her tomorrow,”

“Good, that’s good. Taking things slow. Where are you taking her?”

“Just to Mackey’s.”

“Hmmm... good place, decent food. Nice ambience- not too showy, but a respectable  clientele .”

“Will you help me?”

“Huh?”

“To woo her? You- ...  I want to impress her, Jen. I really _really_ want to win her over and convince her that I’m  ‘ _ the  _ _ one’, you know? _ ”

Jensen huffed out a laugh, “Just be yourself, Jared. I’m sure that will impress her far more than anything I can teach you.”

“But I’m nothing special!”

Jensen sighed, “Alright, so. Today’s punishment: Get an-”

“Punishment?!” Jared yelped.

“Of course punishment, you said some pretty insulting things about yourself, Jared.”

“ _I-_!”

“Are you arguing?”

“No, I’m sorry; Sir.”

“Good boy, I knew you would see things my way. ... So. Uhm... yeah, your punishment...”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Hmmm?”

“You were deciding my punishment, Sir.”

“Ah, yes...”

“Good boy. Now get me an A4 sheet from the bundle next to the printer, alright?... yeah, that one. Good boy.”

He knelt before the Dom.

“Ah, yes...”Jensen said, accepting the paper and scribbling something on it but then he did not explain further for long minutes while Jared continued to kneel before the Dom.  Eventually, he shifted to re-distribute his weight on his aching knees, “Sir?”

“Hmmm?”

“My- My punishment?”

“Huh?” Jensen blinked, then seemed to suddenly see him, seamlessly slipping into his dominant persona once again, “Writing lines... Your task is writing lines.”

Jared waited, but Jensen said nothing more and so he finally forced himself to ask, “What- what do I  have to write, Sir?”

“Hmm? I told  you -”

Jared shook his head slightly, a low curl of panic winding around his gut: _had he messed up? Gotten distracted daydreaming about Genevieve while Jensen had been telling him about his punishment?_

“You are- you’re to write :  ‘ _I’m a good person. Genevieve will be lucky to have a friend like me’,”_ Jensen told him and turned to leave.

“Excuse me, Sir?” Jared called.

Jensen paused, “Yes?”

“Do- do you want me to write it in my journal?”

“Huh?” Jensen asked blankly, then blinking and shaking his head as if to clear it, “Sorry, I missed that. Could you repeat your question-?”

“Would- ... am I to write the lines you said in my journal or-?”

“Yes, yes. Your journal would be fine. ... Use the last page.” He turned to leave again.

“Sir?”

Jensen turned again, an eyebrow curving up in silent question even as he asked: “Yes?”

“How... how many times am I to write-?”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you, did I? I’m sorry. I want you to write the line fifty  _ times-” _

“Fifty?!”

“You want me to make it hundred?” Jensen snapped.

“N-no, Sir. I’m sorry,”

Jensen harrumphed, “Still, you questioned a direct order, Jared... so you’ll be writing the line a hundred times and I want you on your knees while you-”

“Sir, please... I’m sorry. Plea-”

“A hundred times, Jared.” Jensen cut do in, “Anything else?”

Jared blinked back tears, “No, Sir.”

“Good.”   
***   
Jared stiffened at the first hint of something burning and hesitated where he was kneeling on the floor, dutifully writing the lines as the Dom had demanded. He shook his head- _maybe Jensen was testing his ability to concentrate on his given task?-_ and set his pen to paper again. The smell of something burning intensified and Jared risked a glance towards the open kitchen and froze. Jensen was standing right _next_ to the pan bellowing the dark fumes with a dazed expression. He glanced up towards the fire alarm and the slow curl of smoke wafting up towards it and made his decision. Without another word, he dropped his pen and straightened up, leaving his position and moving towards Jensen and grabbing the spatula right out of the man’s hand.

The older man startled when Jared’s hand closed over his and glanced up at him, “Wha-?”

“It’s burning,” Jared answered simply, switching off the heat and tossing the charred remains of the onions and dunking the heated pan in water and watching it sizzle.

“Thanks,” The Dom whispered and Jared turned in surprise.

“Is- is everything alright?”

Jensen just stared at him silently for a minute before forcing- _more like attempting-_ a small smile and a nod.

“Am- am I in trouble?” Jared asked, watching the older man carefully.

“Hmm? _Oh._ No, no, it’s fine. You did good,” Jensen told him before turning to the vegetable tray and pulling out fresh vegetables to replace the ones he’d burnt.

Jared felt a frisson of pride at the praise, but the distracted expression on his Dom’s face worried him.   
“Is everything alright, Jen?”

“Huh? Yeah. _Yeah, its fine-_ ”

“You know you can tell me, right?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. ... Yeah, I know.”

“No, I’m serious, I tell you practically _everything._ I’d like it if you were honest about your troubles too.”

“It’s nothing, really.”

Jared looked away and forced himself to nod, “Well, if you’re sure.”

“I am.” Jensen answered curtly.

Despite his assurances to the contrary, the Dom continued to remain distracted; making Jared repeat himself a few more times as the evening progressed. It was when they were relaxing on the couch that Jared spoke up: “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“When I called you earlier, what were you doing?”

“I uh... I was with a client.”

Jared felt his blood freeze at the confession, “You... what?”

“I was with a client,” Jensen repeated.

“A _client_?” Jared reiterated.

Jensen sighed, eyes going flinty as he responded, “I’m a professional Dom, Jared. You knew that. ... I do have commitments at the club. And besides, who I scene with is at my discretion as long as it does not interfere with your sessions!”

And somehow, the thought of Jensen sharing what he shared with the Dom with someone else had him unbearably jealous. “I see,” He answered in clipped tones.

And Jensen was suddenly angry: “Up!”

“Wha-?”

“I said _up!”_

He struggled to his feet uncertainly, squawking in surprise when the dominant’s fingers tangled in his hair and dragged him away from the couch and to his room, “Owww!”

“Silence!”

“Jen! You’re hurting me!” 

The Dom froze.

“PL-please.... Master... you’re scaring me. Please stop!” Jared repeated in a whisper.

Jensen stared at him as though seeing him for the first time and looked down at his hands where they were still gripping Jared’s arm, releasing his hold abruptly as though burned. “Sorry.”

Jared nodded, rubbing at the pink finger-shaped marks that had bloomed to form a bracelet around his bicep.

“I- I’m so sorry, Sweetheart. I-... I’m sorry.” The Dom repeated as he took in marks on Jared’s skin. 

Jared frowned as he watched the breath escape Jensen turned thin and reedy, “Are you sure you are alright? “

The Dom swallowed and nodded.

“Jensen...” He whispered helplessly, taking an instinctive step forward and freezing when the Dom backed up.

“Yeah...  Yeah, I am alright,” the older man confirmed then sighed, shoulders slumping, “No, you’re right, I am not. Would you mind if you do something different today?”

“Of course not,” Jared agreed immediately, “What do you want to do?”

“How about we watch a movie...Mouse hunt? Have you seen that before?”

“No I haven't, what's it about?”

“You’ll find out,” the Dom answered with a tired smile.

Jared made himself comfortable on the couch once they returned to the living room and settled in, contentedly spooning his plate of Mac ‘n cheese as his eyes remained glued to the television. The movie turned out to be hilarious, engrossing him immediately. In fact, they were a good hour into the movie when Jared realized that Jensen _still_ wasn’t paying attention; sitting silent and stiff next to him and wringing his hands. He watched quietly for a few minutes, taking in the minute trembling of the older man’s form and his barely touched plate of (now cold and congealed) Mac ‘n cheese. 

He reached forward hesitantly, brows furrowed in concern, “Jensen?”

“Don’t touch me!”The Dom roared, standing up in a swift motion and upturning the plate which clattered to the floor with a loud clang.

Jared froze, “Sir?”

Jensen blinked, apparently coming back to himself from wherever his thoughts had taken him at the sound. He took in the mess on the floor- sticky chunks of pasta that had gone every which way and then back to Jared who was pressed up against the far end of the couch in abject terror from the vehemence of his reaction. He sighed and scrubbed a shaking hand over his face tiredly, “S’rry.”

“It’s- it’s alright.”Jared assured even though his voice held a ring of uncertainty.

Jensen nodded, swallowing dryly as he came to a decision, “Do something for me, Sweetheart?”

“Of course,”

“Could you please get me a bottle of water? And then go to your room, okay?”

The younger man obeyed instantly, eager to please; but Jensen found himself wondering if he was just eager to get away from him. Sighing he pulled out his phone and dialled, speaking briefly before reluctantly setting out to clear the mess his upturned plate had caused; every fibre in him exhausted. 

Jared didn’t want to return to his room leaving a Jensen who was obviously ‘ _not alright_ ’, but the Dominant’s resolve to isolate himself eventually won. He shook his head and crawled up the bed before curling himself into a small ball that someone as tall as him shouldn’t have been able to. He wasn’t sure what was going on with the Dom but he didn’t like it. Jensen had looked utterly exhausted as he’d accepted the water-bottle and he found himself wondering if he should have offered to help with the clean up; but then again, the Dom had given him an order and Jared didn’t want to disappoint him. He heard Jensen’s muffled voice as he spoke briefly to someone and figured that the man must have been on the phone. Jared didn’t raise his head from the pillow, not keen on eavesdropping. Not till he heard the sound of the doorbell shortly afterwards. He inched towards the door then, managing to make out a female voice but not the words. There were some sounds of movement and the sound of a liquid hitting glass. His straining ears picked up the sound of the refrigerator door opening and closing twice before padded footsteps moved away towards the older man’s room. He hurried and jumped back into the bed when he heard approaching footsteps- not the muffled heavy tread of Jensen’s socked feet but a sharper clacking sound on the hardwood floor as though the person was wearing heels.

A sharp rap against his door made him jump, “May I come in, Jared?”

He peered towards the door and made out the silhouette of a slender female. He sat up, pulling the covers closer, “Uhm, yeah...sure.”

She stepped in and Jared could see that she was a statuesque red-head. They both took a moment to regard each other quietly and then the woman was breaking the silence, “Hello Jared, I’m Danneel Harris.”

“Nice to meet you, Ma’am.”He managed, struggling to rein in his confusion.  

“Wow, you’re a polite one, aren’t you?” She smiled, pulling the room’s lone chair upto the bed and seating herself, “I wish we had met under better circumstances, Jared.”

He furrowed his brows in confusion.

“What Jensen did... he could lose his license and his membership at the clu-”

“It’s fine!” Jared interrupted, “I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Her eyes narrowed, “What... what exactly do you think he did, Jared?”

The actor’s posture hunched as he mumbled, “Punished me,”

“Oh! Uhm, no. ... that’s- That’s okay, actually; that’s not a problem at all. What he did wrong was _call_ me. ... I mean... he didn’t really ask you before informing me, did he?”

Jared swallowed before nodding, “No, he didn’t.”

“And exhibitionism isn’t one of your kinks. In fact, from what he has told me, you didn’t want anyone to find out about this side of your life.”

“Uhm... No... No, I didn’t... I –I don’t.” He agreed cautiously.

Danneel pursed her lips and instead of distorting her face, the action only made her seem more beautiful. “Jared, if I may... can- can you forgive him?”

“Jensen?”

“Yes,” She nodded, “he only called me because he wants what’s best for you. It was unethical on his part to involve me without your consent, but he meant well-”

“It’s fine,”

Danneel stared at him, flabbergasted at his easy acceptance, “You- you mean that?”

Jared nodded, shuffling uncomfortably; he didn’t like this stranger in his room, but he didn’t blame Jensen.

“Thank you, I mean it.” The woman murmured, slumping in relief, “Jensen is... he’s a friend and I don’t want him to get hurt for a well-meaning mistake.”

“Friend?” Jared questioned suspiciously.

The red head smiled, “Uh... yeah. I mean... you’re right. We did- we _do_ have uhm... _history_... but it’s never going to work between us.”

“Why not?” He asked before he could sensor himself.

Danneel’s smile widened, “We’ve known each other for over a decade now, Jared... we’ve learned about our kinks together... and... well, he’s a dom.”

“So?”

“So am I,” She shrugged, “And while I can fake being a sub for a period, I can’t really give him what he needs. And he can’t fake it _at all.”_

Jared smiled at her conspiratorial tone, relaxing slightly.  “Why- ... can I ask why did he call you?”

She smiled at him, “I’ll explain in a minute. ... but first, do you know what a _drop_ is?”

“A drop is... an abrupt fall,”

“Very good, and uhm...sub drop?”

Jared blushed, “It’s when... it’s when a submissive gets too deep into the scene and has difficulty resurfacing. It’s... exhaustion and blanking out and-” he trailed off, shrugging sheepishly.

Her smile widened, “Excellent! Now, have you heard of a Dom drop?”

“Jensen dropped, didn’t he? That’s why he was so distracted all evening...” 

“You noticed?” Danneel’s eyebrows climbed her forehead in surprise.

He nodded.

“You’re really perfect. So proud of you for noticing that, Darlin’. ... anyway, you know what a sub needs when he or she drops?”

“A Dom,” Jared answered instantly, glad for the books and blogs and stories Jensen had made him read to prepare him for their interactions. His mind was in overdrive, scrambling to connect the dots, “So Jensen needs me now?”

“He does,” Danneel agreed without argument, “Are you volunteering?”

“Of course!”

Her lips twitched in amusement, “ _Why?”_

Jared just stared at her blankly, “Why?”

She nodded.

He shrugged, “Because he’s my Dom and he needs me.”

She reached out to cup his face, “I hope Jensen knows how lucky he is to have found you,”

“I-”

“Jared... before I take you to him, I need you to know that you don’t have to do this, alright? He sent me here to help with the aftercare and to take you home. Jensen doesn’t expect or demand that you help him...”

“He... doesn’t want me?” Jared asked, frowning.

“He’s worried about you.” She sighed, “He told me that you have a stressful job and that this was your only escape... that the only reason you come here was because this was where you didn’t have to please anybody. And that you deserved to be granted this small respite... Him losing control has him fearing that he hurt you or made you feel that you need to please him...”

“But he didn’t!”Jared burst out.

She paused, staring at him; an undercurrent of steel weaving its way into her voice when she spoke next, “Do you speak to him like that, boy?”

Jared’s eyes lowered at the reprimand, “No, I- I’m sorry, ma’am... Master would punish me if he found me being rude like that.”

“I see. And are you going to tell him?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She raised an eyebrow imperiously, “Even if he punishes you for it?”

“I do not lie to him, Ma’am.”

“It would just be a lie of omission. I won’t tell him if you won’t.” She told him conspiratorially.

Jared shook his head, repeating: “I do not lie to him,”

She stared quietly at him for a moment before nodding approvingly, “Impressive.”

Jared ducked his head shyly, “Thank you, ma’am.”

“So... to confirm, you do not feel threatened by Jensen?”

“No, ma’am.”

“And you accept that he was within his rights to punish you?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And you want to continue as his sub?”

“Yes ma’am!” He nodded vehemently.

“Right, good.” She smiled, “You understand that he has granted you permission to leave and return home tonight?”

“Yes, ma’am.... but- I want to stay.”

“You are not feeling compelled or threatened into staying?”

“No, ma’am. I want to help him... He’s always been there for me when I needed him. I want to be there for him now.”

“Great, let’s go; then.”  
\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/45571.html)


	15. Chapter 10: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter-10 **

“Jensen?” Danneel called as she pushed open the door to the Dom’s room. Jared felt a second’s irrational anger at the red-head for being so obviously familiar with _his_ Dom, but then he caught sight of Jensen’s slumped figure and forgot protocol, rushing forward to kneel before the older man.

“Jared?” Jensen jerked back, pupils huge and green eyes blinking in the darkened room till they focussed on Jared. “Everything packed? How’re you feeling now?”

“I’m good.” The actor answered, “You didn’t hurt me as much as surprise me. It’s okay.”

Jensen stared for a minute before nodding, “Good, that’s great. You’re leaving now? Dani can drive you wherever you choose- your place or Chad’s or... wherever, I’ve already spoken to her-”

“I’m staying,” He cut in.

Jensen blinked in surprise, staring open-mouthed at him for a minute before glancing at Danneel.

“He’s your sub, Jen.” The red-head answered the unspoken question.

Green eyes moved back to him, “Jared-”

“Please.” He spoke up before Jensen could say anything beyond his name, “I want to-...Let me do this for you?”

“You don’t have to-”

“I know,” Jared agreed readily, “I _want_ to, though.”

Jensen regarded him wordlessly for a moment before eventually nodding his assent.

“Thank you,” Jared whispered softly just as Danneel spoke as well, the red-head’s voice loud enough to drown his.

“Great! That settles it then, I guess you don’t need me here any longer... So I’ll just-” She jerked her thumb towards the door. “Take care, guys!”

Jared turned to watch her leave but when he looked back, he found that Jensen’s eyes had never left his face. He blushed and ducked his head, jumping slightly at the soft snick of the door locking mechanism.

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked after an awkward pause as the door closed behind Danneel.

Jared nodded, “You?”

“Peachy,” Jensen answered.

“No, I’m serious, Jensen... you should have told me you weren't available today-”

“You needed me,” Jensen shrugged.

“It wasn't an emergency, you know? And I would have told you if it was.”

“What if I told you that _I_ needed to see you?” Jensen whispered, “See that you still trusted me to be your Dom-”

Jared's eyes widened in surprise, one hand reaching out to comfort the older man instinctively, “What happened today, Jen? With...with your other client?”

Jensen flinched as his hand touched his shoulder.

“Jen?” He called, frowning at the response and tugging at the shirt to get the skin beneath and wincing as he saw the bruised and scratched skin.

“It’s nothing” Jensen murmured, his right hand trying futilely to tug the shirt back in place.

“ _Nothing?!_ ” Jared repeated, eyes tracing the finger-shaped marks on Jensen’s shoulder and then shifting back up to meet green eyes, “You’re scraped all to hell and back. And these...” – _his fingers hovered over them- “_ are these _nail-marks?!”_

Jensen’s gaze skittered away, “They’re defensive wounds.”

“Defensive?” Jared yelped, “You mean someone attacked you!?”

“What? _No!_ ” Jensen denied instantly, “It’s- its from the scene...”

“You can tell me,” Jared whispered, rising up on his knees to loosely wrap his arms around the Dom’s waist when the older man trailed off.

Jensen raised tear filled eyes to meet Jared’s, “That’s confidential, Jared... I-I cannot betray their trust-”

“You’re not betraying anybody,” Jared reassured softly, “You don’t have to reveal their identity... or-or their kinks or anything. Just tell me how you got those scratches... _please_?”

“It- it was a rape-scene,” Jensen confessed in a small voice after a pause so long that Jared was beginning to fear that he wouldn’t answer.

“You mean _ravishment,_ ” Jared nodded, he had done his own reading after Jensen had introduced him to the scene and while he still had a lot to learn, he knew that those in the community preferred the term ‘ _ravishment’_ to ‘ _rape’_ because of the inherent consensual aspect of the scene.

“I mean _rape,”_ Jensen countered with a glare. “She- _they-_ wanted the helpless feeling... the power struggle, wanted to fight against someone holding them down...”

“Oh,” Jared’s mouth dropped open.

“She wanted a realistic experience, you know? And so she fought back. That’s-that’s how I got the marks.”

Jared tried to hold on to his sympathy... (Or was it empathy?) But he could only think about how Jensen had refused to incorporate a sexual aspect to their relationship but was apparently fine with having sex with his other clients.

“What is it?” The Dom questioned in a voice gone raspy from his confession, obviously not missing Jared’s fleeting expression of betrayal.

“Hmm? Oh, it’s...it’s nothing. Don’t worry ‘bout it.... tell me about the scene, did- did it go wrong?”

“No, it went perfectly.”Jensen answered absently, before pressing: “Jared, seriously... something’s bothering you. You were fine just now, before I told you about...” -the man’s eyes narrowed as he connected the dots mentally- “about the _scene_. Are you afraid of me now?” Jensen finished slowly, leaning away slightly to give him more space.

“What? Of course not! Why would I be afraid-” Jared babbled, eager to dispel the mistaken notion from the older man’s brain.

“I just confessed to raping someone,” Jensen interrupted, voice laden with guilt.

“Not rape, Jen. It was consensual and _pre-planned_. You didn’t do anything wrong.”Jared soothed, shuffling closer and tightening his arms around the Dom to draw him closer.

“Then what’s bothering you?” Jensen demanded earnestly, the familiar green eyes now rimmed with red.

“It’s nothing...I- I just didn’t realize that you were apparently okay with having sex with- with your other clients, but not me. I’d thought it was another one of your rules, never realizing it was actually m-”

“I’m going to interrupt right there and remind you that I’m not an escort, Jared. I do _not_ engage in intercourse with my clients, _any_ of my clients.” Jensen cut in firmly.

“Yeah, right.” He scoffed.

The older man decided to change tactics, “What makes you think that I had sex with her, Jared?”

“Two words: _rape fantasy_.”

“Well, then I guess my answer is also going to be two words: _object insertion_.”

Jared gaped.

Jensen sighed, “I’m a Dom, Jared. My job is to provide my client with the intangible _something_ that they feel is missing from their life... to fulfil their emotional needs. It may or may not be sexual... I’m simply the enabler, giving them the means to get what they need without judgement. I do not need to engage in intercourse to do my job, Jared; yes, there are Doms who mix the two _. I’m not one of them_.”

“ _Oh_ ,”

“Not engaging in intercourse _is_ one of my rules, Jared. ... So no, I do not engage in penetrative sexual intercourse with my clients.”

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/46003.html)  



	16. Interlude 3: sanshal

 

  
****Therapy  
[Interlude 3]   


>   
>    
>  “I should lodge a complaint against you to Curtis!”
> 
> Jensen smiled tiredly, flopping down on the couch and resting his head against its back so that he was staring at the ceiling, “Hello to you to, Doc.”
> 
> Danneel Harris looked even angrier at that if possible, “Don’t you dare _‘Doc’_ me! Not after what you did!”
> 
> “Jeez, I called you the moment I realized I was in the middle of a drop, Doc. What more do you want from me? It’s not like I knowingly put Jared at risk.”
> 
> “And how about warning me beforehand that your _‘Jared_ ’ was my TV crush? Do you even realize how humiliating it was to stand there gaping like a fish as I struggled not to _fan-girl_ all over him like a hormonal teenager? What if I’d slipped up, huh? Did it ever strike you that _maybe_ I wasn’t the best person to call under the circumstances?”
> 
> “ _Sh*t_ ,” Jensen cursed. “I’m sorry, Doc, I forgot all about your little crush on the kid. ... I ... in my defence, I wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders at the time, but yes. You’re right... I probably shouldn’t have called you.”
> 
> She huffed.
> 
> “I- I can’t say that I regret it,” Jensen confessed, “Because honestly, who else was I supposed to trust and call, huh? And it’s not like he knows the scene to well enough to know what to do...and I... I trust you, Doc. I knew you’d take care of him for me.”
> 
> Her anger cooled a little at his admittance that he had made a mistake, but she refused to absolve him so easily.
> 
> “You probably should,” Jensen said when Danneel didn’t say anything after a moment, sighing as he rubbed his forehead tiredly, “report me, I mean.”
> 
>  
> 
> “You are good Dom,” she answered shaking her head slightly, softening at the defeated slouch Jensen had settled into, “even at your lowest you prioritised him... made sure that he was safe.”
> 
>  
> 
> Jensen buried his face in his palms and shook his head, obviously trying to ignore her words: “I was just doing my job.”
> 
>  
> 
> “No, you were taking care of _your_ boy. I know we say that a Dom must always be aware of the sub, that they are _responsible_ for them. That it is up to them to ensure that all play is safe and sane and consensual, but we both know that that's not always the case... But you did it, J. You put his needs above your own. And that makes you a good Dom... A _good_ _man_ -”
> 
> “Thank you,” he whispered eyes shining with gratitude.
> 
>  
> 
> “Besides, it's not like they know about him at the club-” She went on.
> 
> Jensen huffed out a mirthless chuckle, “Yeah, and that’s such a good thing, right? Exactly what a fine upstanding Dom should do.”
> 
> “Under normal situations, no- _definitely_ _not_... But he’s a public personality and understandably reluctant to showcase his preferences at a place like the club. In fact, if I remember correctly, you’d said that it was one of _his_ primary conditions: that you conduct these sessions privately.”
> 
> “Bang up job I’ve done of that, inviting you without his permission-”
> 
> “You’d have been risking his health, both physical and mental if you hadn’t summoned me. It was the right call.” She interrupted with a shake of her head, ignoring his self deprecating comment, “Anyway, how are you holding up?”
> 
>  
> 
> “I am good.”
> 
>  
> 
> She raised an imperious brow.
> 
> “So I'm tired,” Jensen chuckled, “it's not a big deal.”
> 
> “Actually, it _is,”_ she countered, “it’s one of the first signs of a drop... you _know_ this, J.”
> 
> “For _sub_ drop-”
> 
> “For _any_ drop,” She countered, “Or are you saying you don’t believe in top drop?”
> 
> “Of course not!” Jensen grumbled, “Wasn’t _I_ the one who called to say they were experiencing a dom-drop? How’d I have done that if I didn’t believe it to be a _thing_?”
> 
> “You’ve experienced a drop before?”
> 
> “Not to this extent.”
> 
> “What happened?”
> 
> “A scene went a bit _too_ perfectly,” He muttered, obviously angry at himself for not coping the way he had anticipated.
> 
> “Would you like to talk about it?”
> 
> “It’s fine,” He shook his head, “Already spoke to Jared.”
> 
> “Huh, _wow.”_ Danneel’s eyebrows climbed towards her hairline as she heard what wasn’t being said, then: “You... you _have_ done those kinds of scenes before, J. What changed?”
> 
> He shrugged, rubbing a palm over his day-old beard.
> 
> She sighed, letting go of that particular line of questioning for the moment, “From what you told me, you experienced a bout of dissociation as well?”
> 
> Jensen hummed.
> 
> “Any recurrences?”
> 
> “No,”
> 
> “Have you been drinking?”
> 
> “’Bout four every day,”
> 
> “ _What?!_ ”
> 
> The Dom glanced up at her reaction, “You told me to increase my fluid intake-”
> 
> “Not alcohol!”
> 
> “Who said anything about alcohol?”
> 
> “So four -?”
> 
> Jensen gave a wry smile as he answered, “ _Litres_ ... of water,”
> 
> “Rest?”
> 
> “Yeah,” Jensen answered, “I’m telling you, Doc: _I’m good_.”
> 
> “Okay, then why the hangdog look?” She pressed.
> 
> Jensen sighed, rubbing his face tiredly, “That obvious?”
> 
> “I’m a doctor who specialises in behaviour, J.”
> 
> Jensen blew out a harsh breath and closed his eyes before confessing: “Jared’s seeing someone.”
> 
> “What? But he-”
> 
> Jensen shook his head, “He’s naturally affectionate.”
> 
> “Have you told him?”
> 
> He shook his head.
> 
> “I think you should-”
> 
> “No.”He responded, voice steady and unyielding, “I promised to take care of him-”
> 
> “But-”
> 
> He shook his head, “I’m going to take care of him and help him. ... I- I just want him happy, Doc.”
> 
> “And what about _your_ happiness?”
> 
> He shrugged with a tired smile, “As they say... if you really love something-”
> 
> “Let it go,” She finished softly, “ _Oh, Jensen_.”
> 
> “I’ll be okay,” He whispered, swallowing compulsively and exhaling loudly again before standing up, “Please don’t tell him,”
> 
> “Of course not,” She murmured, rising from her seat as well and taking his hand, “But you’re sure this is not your drop talking?”
> 
> Jensen shook his head, staring down at their intertwined hands, “I’m sure... but just in case, I’ll give it another month or so... if I still feel like I need to get away, then... well.”
> 
> Danneel’s lips turned down in a sad smile but she nodded, “If you’re convinced-”
> 
> “Not making hasty decisions, Doc.”
> 
> “I know. And I’m so glad you’re not...” She hesitated for the briefest moment before adding, “You know that I’m here if you need anything, right?”
> 
> “Yes, thank you.” He agreed, voice rough with unshed tears, “Just... just don’t tell him, okay? I know you mean well, but I don’t want to be yet another person who-”
> 
> “Your secret’s safe with me.” She interrupted, cutting his tirade short.
> 
> “Thank you.” Jensen exhaled shakily, nodding slowly as though accepting her words, “You’re a good friend, Doc. The best one I’ve got.” He squeezed her hand once and left the room.
> 
> Danneel smiled sadly as she watched the door close behind him
> 
> \---  
>  [Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/46096.html)  
> 


	17. Chapter 11.Part-1: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter11. Part 1. **

“Hey, how’re you doing?”

Jensen chuckled softly, “Isn’t that supposed to be _my_ line?”

“Not after last night, no.” Jared returned.

There was a pause and Jared was beginning to wonder if he had stepped out of line when Jensen spoke, “I never thanked you for last night... You- It was really nice of you to-”

“Hey, you’ve been there for me for the past eight months, Jen... and like you said, we Texas boys need to stick together.”

“I appreciate it,” The Dom murmured.

“I’m glad I could help.” Jared beamed, aware that the older man couldn’t see him but unable to stop his smile.

“How are you doing? No problems?”

“Uh-”

“Still nervous around her, huh?”

“Umhmm,” He blushed, “We spoke a little today.”

“ _Progress!_ ” Jensen teased instantly before sobering, “that’s-...that’s great, right?”

“I- I asked her out.” He added, the words running together in his hurry.

Jensen laughed, “That’s amazing!”

“So I uh... I need to re-schedule my time with you? Will- Will that be okay?”

“Of course!” Jensen assured, “No problem. Have a good time at your date.”

***

Jared was on Jensen the moment the door opened, forcing the older man back a step with the suddenness of his action. The Dom laughed at his exuberance and pulled him closer, wrapping one of his own arms around the giant man-child and guiding them inside. 

“I guess this means that your date went well?” He asked as he settled the Sub on the couch and crouched before him to undo his laced converse.

Jared nodded, leaning back against the couch and throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling with a contented sigh. 

Jensen chuckled and undid the belt on the comfortable blue denims but didn’t remove them, instead offering his hand to haul up the man and help him to his room.

“Tell me about her,” Jensen invited as he settled Jared on the closed lid of the WC and crouched to adjust the water temperature on the tub. 

“She’s...” Jared trailed off with a dreamy sound and Jensen bit his lips to keep from laughing out loud at the boy’s besotted expression.

“That perfect, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed instantly. “She’s beautiful and smart and funny and... and she’s pretty much perfect, you know?”

Jensen smiled as he straightened from mixing in the bubbles, “I can imagine.”

Jared grinned back.

“Okay, so I want you to take a nice long soak. Just don’t catch a cold, huh?”

He nodded, rising to push off his jeans where he stood before grabbing them to roughly fold them and hang them up. “How much time do I have?”

Jensen shook his head, “Take as much time as you need.”

When he emerged, Jensen was in the kitchen. “Had dinner?”

Jared shrugged.

“Grab a seat, want a sandwich?” The Dom offered, but didn’t wait for his reply, setting about making him a ham and turkey sandwich.

Jared jumped up on the counter and watched him work, swinging his legs happily as he told the older man about his date.

Once the plate was empty and the dishes had been put away, Jensen gently guided him to his room. “Sit.”

Jared’s smile dimmed slightly, “Master?”

“It’s fine. You’re not in trouble, Sweetheart.”

The younger man beamed at the reassurance.

“Think you can sleep?”

Jared shook his head instantly, pouting like a six-year old unwilling to go to bed, “Not sleepy.”

“I guessed as much,” Jensen laughed, “Alright, so I want you to do some breathing exercises for me, yeah?”

He nodded.

Jensen smiled back and sat down cross-legged in front of him, guiding him through a handful of simple breathing techniques till Jared felt his heart rate slow and his eyes become heavy.

Jensen didn’t miss the change, “Tired?”

“Yes, Sir.” He admitted softly.

“Okay then. Go and brush your teeth and finish your nightly ablutions. “I’ll tuck you in.”

Jared scampered to do his bidding and hurried off. He couldn’t stop his smile as the Dom tucked him under the covers and sat by his side, softly stroking his hair till he dropped off to sleep.

***

“Hey, Jen?”

The Dom’s muffled laughter filtered over the lines, “Date?”

Jared felt his cheeks heat at the question but managed a nod, then remembered that the older man couldn’t see him, “Uh... yes?”

“Sure, no problem.”

***

“Jen?”

“Again? Don’t you guys have a show to shoot or something, Padalecki?”

There was a soft gasp but no words were spoken.

“Jared? Sweetheart?” Jensen called when there was no response from the other end even after a minute.

“Please don-.... I’m sorry; I’ll cancel with Genevieve, please, Sir-”

“Hey-hey-hey... calm down, Sweetheart.... Deep breaths, alright? On my count. Inhale...one-two-three... very good, now exhale...one-two-three. Good. Again, Inhale...exhale...Better?”

“Yes, Sir” Was the slightly shaky response.

“Good boy. Now tell me what’s gotten you so panicked.”

“You-you... you called our safe-word-”

“What?! No, I didn’t!... Oh, you meant me using your surname... That was just me teasing you, I’m sorry. It was a wrong move. I didn’t mean to upset you, Sweetheart.”

“So you’re not stopping our sessions?”

“No, _of course not!_ I’m sorry, since we were just talking on the phone I didn’t think. _And I should have._... I’m sorry, forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Master, please... I just- I was just afraid that you didn’t want me as your sub anymore-”

“I-”

“Because I need you. You’ve helped me so much, Jen. And I’m getting better. Right?”

Jensen smiled, “The credit for that goes to you, Darling.”

“Thank you, but I couldn’t have done it without you-”

“I just gave you the tools, Jared. You did the work all on your own.” Jensen demurred, “But coming back to why you called me, yes, we can reschedule. You don’t have to cancel your date with Genevieve.”

“Thank you,”

***

“Can we reschedule?”

“What’s new?” The Dom chuckled.

“Ummm... yeah, I’m not going to be able to make it by eight today.”

“I see.” And this time there was a distinct note of displeasure in the older man’s voice, “When, then?”

“Ten- ten-thirty...? Around that.”

“You have work in the morning,”

“Uhm... yeah, I was hoping you’d let me crash at your place tonight.”

“Alright.”

“And I can stay over?”

“Yes, of course Sweetheart. You’re always welcome to stay here.”

“Thank you.”

***

“You’ll be late again, right? _I know_... you do realize that you don’t need to keep calling to confirm that you’ll be late, don’t you?”

Jared bit his lip, crimson staining his cheeks, “I’ll be there by eight thirty, I promise.”

“Yeah-yeah.”

“Thanks, you’re the best, Jen.”

“Go have fun, lover-boy.” Jensen teased as he disconnected the call.

***

“Jared? Jared, are you okay?”

“Of course, why? What happened?”

Jensen sighed audibly, “Nothing... you didn’t come to our session today-”

“Yeah, ‘bout that... I’m exhausted man, can- can we skip today?”

***

Jared blearily checked the brightly lit phone display as he answered the phone, voice sleep heavy and slurred, “Hey, ummm.... I ckha-can’t make to our session today either, Sir.”

“I figured that out myself when the clock struck midnight.” Jensen snapped then sighed, “Go back to sleep, Sweetheart.”

***

“Can we shorten our session today, Sir?”

“You have other engagements?”

“Yeah,”

“And you’ve already confirmed your plans with them?”

“Umhmm,” was the distracted response.

“Well, there’s no point in asking then, is there?” And the call disconnected with a click.

\---   
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/46383.html)   



	18. Chapter 11.Part-2: sanshal

 

  
**Chapter-11. Part-2.**  


  
  
Two weeks and five days later Jared frowned as he looked at Jensen’s wide eyed surprise at seeing him, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah... of course... Just wasn’t expecting you, I guess. C’mon in.” The Dom greeted, waving him inside and leading the way to the couch.

“Weren’t expecting me?”Jared questioned, “But I have a session with you-”

“Yes, you do.”Jensen smiled, “It’s just that you’ve been...uhm... _busy_ the past fortnight and our sessions were usually held later... Never mind, I’m free either way.”

Jared managed a wan smile and wordlessly headed to his room to undress; pausing when he remembered the sweatpants and tee he had been wearing lately instead of just his boxers. Resuming his routine made him blush and he felt more naked than ever at Jensen’s raised brows.

“You are welcome to pull on a tee and some pants if you choose,” The Dom murmured before turning back to whatever he was stirring on the stove.

“But you’d said-”

“I know what I’d said, Jared.” Jensen answered evenly, “And I also remember telling you that the reason I needed you bare initially, was to build your trust. I think we’ve crossed that line already, don’t you?”

He blushed and felt his cheeks heat up but made no move to return to his room and pull on more clothes, “You’re right, which is why it doesn’t bother me to parade around like this in front of you either.”

Jensen shook his head as he chuckled, “I thought punishing you was my job, not yours.”

Jared stared.

“What? Not going to deny it?”The Dom questioned with a smirk.

Jared felt his jaw hang open at the astute understanding, “How- how did you?”

“How did I know?”Jensen smiled, reaching down to briefly ruffle his hair from where he was kneeling before resuming cooking, “You’ve been making aborted attempts to cover yourself up since the moment you joined me.”

Jared winced and lowered his head.

“Tell me why you think you need to be punished and then you may go and pull on a tee and some pants.”

“I-” Jared hesitated, “I don’t know-”

Jensen raised a brow.

“You seemed angry when I got in-”

“How very perceptive of you,” The Dom scoffed.

Jared bit his lip.

“And just _why_ do you think I was angry, Jared?”

“I’m sorry,”

“For _what?”_

Jared stayed silent.

“Jared!”

He peered up at the Dom from behind his bangs.

Jensen sighed and rubbed his face tiredly, visibly struggling to rein his disapproval, “Tell me why you’re sorry, Sweetheart. _Please._ ”

“I don’t- don’t know... please... just... you were frowning. I-... what did I do wrong, Sir?”

“Oh, Sweetheart,” The Dom murmured as he glimpsed the teary puppy-eyes looking at him and left the chopping board to crouch before his boy and pull him into a hug, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead. He held the younger man till he felt him relax and then returned to transfer the vegetables he had chopped to the merrily bubbling pot, taking one last glance at the sub as he shook his head and turned back to the stew, “I need you to think, alright? Think of the past fortnight and try to figure it out yourself. You have until the stew cooks. If you’re still unable to figure it out, I’ll tell you.”

Jared wracked his brains for the events of the fortnight, trying to figure out his misstep. Both men jumped when his phone went off where he had left it on the mantelpiece. He bit his tongue as he glanced at the Dom, knowing he should have either switched it off or put it on silent.

“You may answer it, but please put it on speaker,”

“Jared!” Genevieve’s voice crackled over the instant the call connected, “Where are you?! I’ve been waiting for over an hour!”

Jared ducked his head as he caught Jensen’s eyes narrow from his peripheral vision, “I- I’m sorry. I won’t be able to make it tonight.”

“Jeez!” The woman grumbled, “Would it have killed you to pick up a phone and _tell_ me?!”

“I’m sorry.” Jared repeated, feeling miserable.

“You didn’t tell her that you would be unavailable today?” Jensen asked the minute he hung up.

“No,” He breathed, conscious of the fact that he was in trouble now.

“ _No, Sir.”_ Jensen corrected.

“No, Sir.” He repeated dutifully.

The Dom’s lips thinned in displeasure and Jared shrank into himself, “I- I’m sorry, Sir.”

Jensen shook his head, “You’ve _really_ disappointed me, you know? I thought you were this well-mannered sub... hell, when the others at the club complained about their subs’ attitude problems, I used to congratulate myself about how mine was impeccably polite... and then you go and behave like this!”

Jared felt his eyes tear up at the harsh reprimand, “I’m sorry, Sir...I- I meant to call her but then I-”

“Forgot, right?” Jensen sneered, “Like you forgot to call home this weekend?”

Jared choked down a sob, hunching even further into himself, “I-... _Please_... I’m sorry!”

“Do you have any clue how worried your mom was when you didn’t call her to confirm that you had reached safely? It’s not just about forgetting to inform Genevieve, Jared... you’ve been...” He trailed off, “A couple of days ago you _forgot_ to inform me as well, remember? I nearly went out of my mind with worry! And then you made plans elsewhere before checking with me _if_ I would be able to reschedule. You-...” He sighed, softening his tone as he enquired, “What’s going on, Jared?”

The sub shook his head, a lone tear slipping free and tracking down, “I- I don’t know, Sir. I’m so sorry... I-I- I didn’t mean to be bad...I- I’m just so tired....”

Jensen crouched down to wipe the tear, “Sshhh... its okay, its okay... C’mon, Sweetheart... we’ll get through this. Yeah?”

Jared managed a teary smile and a nod, “Ye-yes, Sir.”

“Good boy.”

Jared leaned into the Dom’s embrace, struggling to regulate his breathing.

“Tell me something,” Jensen began, continuing at his instant nod, “Have you been sleeping enough?”

Jared hesitated, but nodded.

“Not lying down or going to bed early. _Sleeping_... Have you been sleeping well?”

“N-no, Sir.”

“And you didn’t think it important to mention it to me?”

Jared ducked his head again, “I’m sorry, Sir.”

“Hmmm,” Jensen accepted before changing the topic, “have you eaten something?”

“Had a box of crackers on my way here-”

“A box or just one?” Jensen asked shrewdly.

Jared blushed at the reminder of his lack of appetite when he had first started seeing Jensen, “A full box, Sir.”

“That’s perfect, good boy... okay, then. Oh, before I forget, you got an early call tomorrow?”

“No, Sir. I just have sound recording, so-” He shrugged.

“You may be end up wishing you _had_ an early call tomorrow...”A devious smile curled Jensen’s lips, “Now, come along.”

Jared wordlessly followed the Dom to his room, heart hammering at the teasing words and was directed by Jensen into doing his first set of exercises as prescribed by the trainer. Once he was finished, Jensen asked him to do the entire set again. And again. And again... By the seventh set, Jared could feel his muscles trembling and he was soaked in sweat, but Jensen didn’t tell him it was okay to stop.

He watched hungrily as Jensen left the room briefly- _he knew better than to pause his push-ups-_ and returned with a large soup-bowl and some toast.  Unfortunately for him, the Dom didn’t offer him any, instead continuing to watch him while he finished his meal. The moment Jensen moved to correct his posture for a lift, Jared’s stomach rumbled loudly at the rich aroma wafting from the stew-pot in the Dom’s hand.

“Hungry?” Jensen chuckled.

He nodded vigorously.

“Fine, go grab a shower, I’ll pour you some stew; but we’ll continue once you’re finished eating, alright? You’re not done with your punishment yet.”

Jared winced, feeling his muscles tremble with exertion but nodded. He hurried through his shower; his muscles burning deliciously as he quickly scrubbed himself clean and rushed downstairs to the kitchen, eager to sample the stew that had smelt so appetizing...

“Jared, would you be willing to participate in some role-play?” Jensen asked the moment he stepped into the kitchen.

He hesitated at the unexpected question, “Uhm...yes sir, I guess.”

“Okay, great. Let’s go.”

Jared nodded and glanced longingly at the aromatic bowl of stew but moved to do Jensen’s bidding. The Dom smiled gently at his obedience, “Take the bowl, you can eat on the way.”

 

He glanced at Jensen before hurriedly grabbing the bowl before the Dom could change his mind, “Thank you, Sir!”

Jensen chuckled and chucked a bag of crisply toasted, buttered bread cut into slender two-finger wide strips, “Here,”

Jared accepted the bag eagerly, instantly pulling one out, dipping it in the thick broth and popping it into his mouth. He let out a sigh of pleasure as he registered the rich taste of the stew laden with soft, perfectly cooked melt-in-your-mouth chunks of bacon, succulent chicken strips; diced vegetables (he could make out cubes of carrots, potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower and rings of onion) and the egg infused creamy broth.

“Like it?”

Jared nodded vigorously, “It’s delicious, thank you.”

Jensen grinned, pleased. “Take the containers and head to the car, I’ll just grab my wallet and join you.”

Jared nodded, obediently strapping himself in the passenger seat and continuing to enjoy the steaming soup and warm bread-crisps. Jensen joined him momentarily and pulled out of parking. Jared knew better than to ask where they were going. The car paused in front of an unremarkable store and Jared glanced questioningly at the Dom.

“Wait for me here, finish your food.”

He nodded and continued relishing the simple yet satisfying food. Once done, he glanced curiously at the store-front and blushed when he noticed the discretely written ‘Adult Store’. He waited restlessly, visions of chains and whips and plugs swimming before his eyes. An unexpected burp had him blushing and glancing around quickly to confirm that Jensen was not around. He laughed at his own paranoia and jumped when Jensen took that moment to step into the car.

The Dom raised a questioning brow, “What?”

Jared bit his lip and shook his head, nervously eyeing the non-descript brown-paper bag that the man deposited in the backseat.

“It’s going to be okay,” The Dom soothed, “Relax,”

Jared nodded. _It was not like he would be able to deny his Dom._  
His eyes widened when the car finally stopped in front of his own apartment-complex.

“Would you say your house is clean, Jared?” Jensen asked before Jared could open the door to his apartment, a smile pulling at his lips.

Jared swallowed, debated answering in the affirmative but then cringed at the thought of further punishment the moment the door opened and the Dom saw the state of his living room; lowered his eyes as he confessed: “N-no, Sir.”

Jensen’s smile widened as he pushed open the door and surveyed the state of chaos that was his living room, “Thank you for answering truthfully.”

Jared blushed at the praise.

“Take the bag and put on the items in it, meet me here in fifteen.”Jensen told him as they stepped inside.                                                                                                                                  
“Yes Sir.”

***

Jared stared at himself in the mirror: the crisp lines of the white-shirt did wonders for his physique and the side lace-up corset he wore underneath only served to highlight his broad shoulders and trim waist. The black waistcoat made him look even more formal... but then he looked lower and felt his cheeks heat at the tiny, black, fitted shorts he had been ordered to wear. While not exactly scandal arousing from the front, nearly half his ass-cheeks were hanging out at the back and Jared was acutely aware of the air-conditioners’ cool air as it caressed his skin. The pink silk panties he wore underneath cradled him snugly and every shift of the satiny material against his skin was like the most delicious torture he had ever endured. He had been provided with gloves and a white lace hair-band to hold his hair off his face as well and he felt himself blush as he emerged from the bathroom to where Jensen was waiting.

The Dom grinned when he saw him and made a rotating motion with his forefinger, prompting Jared to pivot on his heel.

“Slowly,” Jensen requested.

Jared huffed but obeyed, blushing when his back was turned to the Dom, all too plainly aware of what he looked like. He expected more teasing comments, but the older man’s voice was serious when he spoke.

“Comfortable? I mean physically...”

Jared hesitated but nodded.

“Not too tight?”

“No Sir.”

“Good, get to work then.”

Jared turned to look at what had been indicated and swallowed... of everything he had anticipated, he never expected to be forced to actually _clean_ his house...

Jensen didn’t touch him, but Jared was acutely aware of the eyes on him as he mopped and dusted and scrubbed. Jensen supervised everything he did and pointed out if he had missed a spot but didn’t stop him was talking, in fact; the older man encouraged him to talk while he worked... And scrubbing the floor on all fours was really tiring if he thought too much about it.

“My agent sent me a script for a show... I _really_ really want to get the part. Will you help me?”

“Of course, may I see the script?”

Jared pointed a gloved finger, “It’s on the chair there.”

The Dom nodded and stretched out on the couch with the stapled pages. Hoping the man was too engrossed to notice, Jared skipped a tile and jumped when the rolled up bunch of paper made stinging contact with his upturned rear. He glanced up petulantly only to face the elder’s smirking face.

“You missed a tile... or did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

Jared pouted but returned to the skipped tile.

“The premise is interesting,” The Dom conceded when he was nearly done with the current room.

Jared nodded enthusiastically as he straightened after finishing the last tile, “Yeah, I’d give anything to get the spot.”

“Anything?” Jensen asked, frowning slightly.

He nodded, “It’s a two-lead show and the premise is unique enough to more or less _guarantee_ viewership... it’ll be pretty cool!”

“Jared, _anything?”_ Jensen repeated softly.

The repetition made him pause and he glanced at the Dom, understanding the unspoken question. He looked away.

“Sweetheart?”

Jared swallowed uneasily, “I-... I really hope it doesn’t come to that, Jen... but- but if...”

“You’re _that_ desperate for the part?”

He clenched his eyes shut, “If the show’s a hit- _which I think it will be-_ no one’s going to remember what I did for the spot-”

“ ** _You_** will.”

“Yeah, but I’d have a steady job to show for it.”

The Dom’s jaw pulsed, “You’ll never know if you got the spot because you deserve it- because of your acting abilities or because-”

“Because of how tight my hole is?” Jared finished grimly when Jensen trailed off. “Would it matter? Either way, I’d be _earning_ it.”

“No.”

Jared raised a single brow, “No?”

“No, I forbid you to do it... if you get selected it would be on the basis of your talent alone.”

“Jen-”

“That’s my condition. I’ll help you prepare for it... but only if you promise to rely on your talent alone.”

Jared huffed, “I’ve been told I’m very _talented_ in other ways as well.”

“Yeah well, if _that’s_ the talent you want to hone, you’re welcome to find someone else-”

“No!” Jared interrupted instantly, “I’m sorry, okay? I-I promise. I’ll not... well.”

Jensen nodded; the relief obvious in his eyes. “Good. Thank you... and you really don’t have time to dally, there’s still one room left.”

Jared huffed again but picked up the bucket and mop as he moved to the final room he had been asked to clean, grateful for the change in topic.

“A lot of it is going to hinge on your chemistry with your co-star,” Jensen said as he flipped through the pages where he was sprawled on the bed while Jared scrubbed his dressing table and the many bottles of perfume he had.

He hummed in agreement.

“So, who are you planning to read for?”

“Honestly? I’m gonna be happy with either.”

“Yeah, but you must have a preference?”

“The younger one. I.... like his stubbornness... gives me layers of emotions to play with.”

Jensen smiled, “Great, so we’ll begin there and flesh him out...”

Jared raised a questioning eyebrow.

“What?” Jensen shrugged, sitting up and counting off on his fingers, “You have to know him as well as you know yourself if you are to slip under his skin... you have to know his history, his favourites, his relation with his family... _everything_. Only then can you _be_ him.”

“It’s just a character, Jen” Jared responded, shaking his head at the other’s enthusiasm.

“Firstly _he,_ not ‘it’,” Jensen corrected “And he has to mean more than that to you if you want to get the part. After all, you’ll be sharing headspace with the guy, Jared; so you’ll be getting to know him rather intimately,”

Jared paused in his dusting to briefly look at the Dom and was surprised by the earnestness he saw staring back, “Yeah... I suppose.”

Jensen offered him a smile as he met his gaze, “Let’s hope you guys like each other, or this will be difficult for you.”

And suddenly he felt more confident about the upcoming auditions, Jared smiled, “Yeah...”

***

He was exhausted down to his bones and grimy and eager for bed by the time Jensen approved of his cleaning standards. He hurried to take a shower and felt his eyes widen when he saw Jensen waiting for him with virgin Olive oil and the covers down-turned when he got back.

“Massage?” The Dom offered.

“Seriously?” Jared whispered, “God, you’re awesome, man...Thanks so much.”

Jensen just smiled and offered him four cubes of chocolate to nibble on as he drizzled the oil on his back.

“Where did you learn to give massages like this?”Jared murmured as he nearly found himself purring with pleasure from the firm strokes.

“Took a physiotherapy credit back in college, never thought it would help with my subs... but well-”

“Best decision ever!” Jared sighed, moaning his approval as the Dom worked out a particularly hard knot on his shoulder.

“Well, I don’t know about that but my subs do seem to appreciate it.” Jensen agreed, “Now ssshhh... try to sleep.”

Jared found himself nearly boneless by the time he Dom was done an hour and fifteen minutes later and snuggled in underneath the covers when Jensen tucked him in. He turned and forced heavy eyes open when he felt the Dom move away.

“Ssshhh... sleep.” Jensen whispered, gently tucking a loose strand behind his ear and ruffling his hair.

“Stay,” he mumbled, lifting the covers in offering.

Jensen hesitated, but then smiled and slid in next to him under the covers, one arm coming to rest protectively around Jared instantly. Jared snuffled once, rubbed his nose against the Dom’s cotton covered, muscular pectorals and dropped back into slumber.

 

 

Jared woke to the sound of an unfamiliar alarm and froze when he realized that Jensen was still curled around him.

“Morning, Sweetheart. How’re you feeling?”

He smiled, “Good.”

“Slept well?”

“Like a baby,” He confessed, sitting up and moving off the bed to head towards the bathroom to finish his morning ablutions... Except, he never made it that far:  the moment the blanket dropped from around his shoulders, Jared remembered the pink panties he had gone to bed with.

“Impressive,”

Jared looked askance towards the man and flushed a dark crimson when he realized that the man was gesturing towards his covered bulge.

He managed to croak out a scandalised ‘thanks’ before rushing to the washroom in hopes of covering himself better.

Dressed in his loose sweatpants, he felt slightly better and smiled when he found the coffee pot already bubbling away happily.

“You don’t have much time before you have to report to the sound editor.” Jensen murmured, glancing up from his newspaper.

Jared nodded his acknowledgement as he got out two bowls and the box of cereal, something about the domesticity of the scene making him relax and smile.

“Thanks,” The Dom acknowledged as he accepted the cereal bowl, “Jared, you’re scheduled to meet Cooper next Saturday after this one, aren’t you?”

“Hm,” He managed to grunt in agreement through a mouthful of Cheerios.

“Ask him to meet at your house?” The Dom requested, “I’ll come here too.”

“Sure.”

“Oh, and before I forget, please invite Mr. Murray as well.”

\---  
[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/46714.html)  



	19. Chapter 12: sanshal

** Therapy  
Chapter 12. **

“You better have a good reason for disrupting my schedule, Ackles!” Chad threatened good-naturedly as he dropped down on Jared’s couch.

The Dom gave a stilted nod and glanced briefly at Jared, who was kneeling on the soft faux-fur rug next to the couch.

“I-... Cooper, what’s your opinion about Jared’s current state?”

The grad student looked taken aback for a moment at being questioned before straightening, “He’s doing better. ... I would not say that he is not depressed anymore or _will not be_ depressed in the future again, but he’s definitely doing better.”

“Good, that’s good to hear.” The Dom sighed, a pleased exhale escaping his lips, “The reason for my enquiry and for calling all of you here today was... _is_... that I’d like to stop doing sessions with Jared-”

“What?!” Chad spat out the gulp of water he had taken and Cooper too gasped in surprise. 

Jared felt like someone had slapped him.

“Please-” Jensen entreated, “I’m not saying that Jared should stop his sessions, in fact I’d be happy to recommend other Doms who might suit you. Also, in my humble opinion, it would be ideal for him to gain professional help in addition to periodic sessions with a Dom. I-I- I know someone who’d be ideal for him... He’s pretty much a natural Sub and I think he would- _hell, I have seen him_ thrive with regular sessions. ... But depression is not just a ‘mood’ you grow out of. It’s caused by limited production of dopamine and serotonin-”

“Huh?”

Jensen smiled wryly at Chad’s confusion, “Brain hormones that help regulate our moods. Right, Cooper?”

“Neurotransmitters,” The younger man added, “but basically, yes.”

“So, like I was saying; if required you need to go on prescription meds while simultaneously working with a Dom.”

“But why are _you_ quitting?” Chad asked, stubborn like a dog with a bone as always.

Jensen let out a defeated sigh, “Because I promised to help him and I’m afraid I’m going to end up harming him.”

“ _What_?!”

Jensen ducked his head, the words escaping him in a rush, “I –I think I’m falling for him.”  The Dom chewed briefly on his lower lip and glanced up, shaking his head, “I... I mean, I... uhm- I’ve been treating him like _my_ sub, but he isn’t, is he? I’ve been training him into being the perfect sub _for me_... and I shouldn’t have- I shouldn’t have done that. I-I-I was supposed to be neutral! I-I mean, that was why you guys came to me in the first place, didn’t you? So that I could give you an unbiased opinion on Jared’s... _situation._ And _-_ and I tried, okay? I’m still trying to think of what’s going to be best for him ... but as much as I want to, I’m not-   I’m not on that list anymore...and  I- I’m sorry, I can’t...  I just don’t think I can do it anymore. He- ...  Jared is... he is _perfect_ and so eager to please and-” Jensen inhaled sharply, his voice cracking slightly but still holding steady as he exhaled slowly and finished, “And he deserves better than a Dom who can’t respect his boundaries.”

There was a minute of stunned silence at the Dominant’s sudden verbal diarrhoea but then Chad was grinning, “Dude!”

Jensen just ducked his head, cheeks visibly stained crimson.

“I ...” Chad glanced between the Dominant and his friend, “I honestly don’t see what the problem is.” He continued when he realized that Jensen wasn’t going to interrupt, “You like our boy and he likes you... keeping things professional was _your_ idea-”

Jensen glanced at Jared, silently asking permission for something before facing Chad again, “Jared’s already involved with someone... and she is, by all accounts, suited perfectly for him. I can’t- I –I _won’t_ get between that for my own selfish desires.”

“What?” Chad’s head swung to look at Jared, “You’re already with someone? You never told me, you sly dog!”

“Mr. Murray!”  Jensen growled.

Chad lifted his hands, palms up, “Just teasing.”

Jensen nodded, slightly appeased. 

“This other Dom that you said would be ideal for Jared... would they agree to participate in my research?” Cooper asked.

Jensen frowned at the man’s obvious priorities, but answered anyway, “I-... Every Dom has different limits... So you’ll... yeah, I guess you’ll have to discuss it with them.”

“What if they disagree?”

“You’ll have to discuss it with her,” Jensen repeated. He ducked his head as he swallowed once and nodded to himself before glancing up again, “So...yeah. I- I’m sorry... uhm... I’ll get out of your hair now.”

“ _Tristan Padalecki_ ” 

The words were softly spoken, barely audible. Nevertheless, Jensen froze, swivelling on his heels from where he was heading towards the door and swinging wide eyes to focus on Jared.

Tip-tilted hazel eyes brimming with unshed tears met his unflinchingly as Jared repeated, “Tristan Padalecki.”

Jensen hurried back, only to drop to his knees before the younger man, hands fluttering inches from his face and shoulders but not touching, “Sweetheart... I-... we- we’re not in a scene right now... Please... its- its okay, alright? Your friends are right here. They’ll take care of you... and- and- and I’m just a phone call away. _Always-”_

“Tri-Tristan Padalecki.” He interrupted, the tears leaking in twin streams from his eyes.

“I- I don’t understand... I’m sorry... Why -why are you safe-wording?” Jensen asked, eyes clouded with worry. “Are-.... are you hurting somewhere?”

Jared nodded, shook his head and then nodded again. He let out a sob and them lunged forward abruptly only to burrow into the older man’s arms, chest heaving.

“Where, Sweetheart? What’s hurting?” Jensen cooed, fingers carefully smoothing his hair.

“Don’t go.”

“Oh, Sweetheart.” The Dom sighed, “You know why I have to.... C’mon, don’t make this harder than it has to be...”

“I’ll be your sub.” He whispered, “ _Yours_.”

“It doesn’t work like that-” Jensen sighed.

“But I _want_ to be. ... Please ...  want to be yours, Jen.”

“But Genevieve?”

“Broke up.”

“You don’t have to break up with her for m-”

Jared shook his head desperately, “No, not for you...we- we already broke up.”

“What?! _When?_ ”

“It wouldn’t have worked,” Jared shrugged, still not meeting the Dom’s eyes.

“Jared,” The Dom sighed, “ _When_ , Sweetheart?”

The younger man swallowed, and then answered, “Back when I went to Texas for the long weekend.”

“She called you last week-”

Pink bloomed over Jared’s cheeks, “I- I figured out that she wasn’t what I wanted- _needed_ back in Texas... Didn’t tell her right away, though.”

“Even then, that was over a week ago, man!”

“I know.”

Jensen breathed deeply to calm himself before questioning, “Why didn’t you tell me, Sweetheart?”

“Tell you _what?!_ You wanted to hear more about a loser I am- How I can’t-...” Jared began vociferously but his voice softened till it trailed off into silence.

“Jared...” The Dom sighed, “I’m here for you, and you know that, right? You can tell me anything- no judgement.”   
“Why’d you break up?”Jensen asked after a moment when Jared didn’t speak up.

“My family’s under the impression that you and I should get together.”

Jensen smiled, chuckling softly and shaking his head.

“Genevieve somehow... she didn’t fit in there.” The younger man explained, “She’s a great person and everything but... I guess we just want different things in life.” He shrugged, “And- and I told her that I possibly had depression.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow.

“She... it didn’t go down well. She- she says she’s not ready for that kind of responsibility yet. .. And I mean it’s understandable, right? She’s still young and healthy. And so pretty... it’s not right to tie her down with someone who is defective.”

“You’re not _defective_!” Jensen growled before softening his tone and continuing – flicking at his nose playfully, “Yeah, you may be slow on the uptake at times, but you’re cute enough to make up for that.”

Jared sniggered at the teasing, but nodded. “Anyway, so yea... it didn’t work out between us. ... but I guess it was a good thing that I- I _tried_ because it cleared up some things-”

“Yeah?” Jensen asked softly.

Jared nodded, “It was only when we broke up that realized how tired I was... I... I had to literally _work_ for the relationship to work, you know? And- and... and that’s not how it’s supposed to be, Jen. It should be easy as breathin-”

“Well, I don’t know ‘bout that-” Jensen began.

“It should!” Jared cut in, “At the minimum, it shouldn’t stress me out. And I was- you saw that, didn’t you? I couldn’t sleep, cancelled our sessions... it wouldn’t have worked. Not long term.”

The Dom just smiled, fingers absently stroking the younger’s hair.

“Are you just going to sit there and smile?” Jared demanded petulantly.

Jensen chuckled, “Baby boy’s become so wise!”

Jared tittered and lowered his head to rest his forehead against the Dom’s shoulder, “The most telling part was how... how _relieved_ I felt when it was over. And while I didn’t _tell_ you... you helped. You helped me so much.”

“I’m glad,”

“I’m not going to be _relieved_ if you leave me, Jen... So, don’t go? Please?”

“Look, I... I’m going to be honest with you, alright?”

Jared nodded.

“I’d love to be in a relationship with you, but I- I’m a Dom, Jared... and no, us dating does not automatically mean a Dom-Sub relationship... I- I’m not expecting or asking you to be my twenty-four seven Sub... but I may slip up from time to time... order you around-”

Jared nodded, a tiny smile playing at the corners of his lips.

Jensen frowned at the easy acceptance and continued, “I’m naturally controlling-”

“I know.”

“And I tend to be possessive of my partners.”

“So do I-”

“But if you say yes, and want it as well, I would like to offer you my collar formally. ... You- Obviously, you don’t _have_ to say yes, but I’d appreciate it if you do.”

“What does that mean: _offering your collar_?”

“It’s a sign of ownership... okay, that sounds all kinds of wrong. It...It’s a sign of being committed in a D-S relationship... If- if you accept my collar, you are accepting me as your Dom and promising to obey me and _me alone_. Similarly, if I collar you, I’ll be serving as only _your_ Dom.”

“I’d like that.” Jared admitted shyly, “Hated it when you told me that you had scened with another.”

“Was just my job, Jared ... I serve as a House-Dom at the club. Till I collar someone, I’m bound to take in the subs referred to me.”

Jared’s lips thinned but he nodded.

“Hey, I didn’t like it either. Remember?”

“Guys, we get it, alright? You like him and he likes you! Jeez, it’s like a gay Disney romance!” Chad’s loud voice interrupted. “And I have no idea what you’re going on about but if you’re done being tooth-rottingly sweet, I’d like to get back to my own life now.”

Jensen pulled back, glancing at Jared’s friends with a blush painted high on his cheeks before turning his gaze back to Jared. “Yeah, I- I guess we’re done...”

“So, when’re we meeting next?” Cooper asked as he rose.

“We’re not.” Jensen answered before Jared could, still looking at his sub, “We’re done here.”

“What?! You- You can’t-!”

“We can and we will,”

“But-But my research?! You promised!”

“I’m sure you have more than enough data. You can contact us for clarifications on what you already have, but no new material. ... Besides, Jared used his safe-word with me for the first time today. I think that should make for a very satisfying conclusion to your study.”

[Next](http://sanshal.livejournal.com/46896.html)   



	20. Epilogue: sanshal

  
** Therapy **

** Epilogue **   
  


Jared tried to regulate his breathing as he waited for the directors to call him in. He wanted to be anywhere but here on his birthday... _He had practiced this enough times with Jensen to be able to regurgitate the requisite dialogues in sleep. ... but he had to actually_ feel _what his character was to portray them convincingly. The dialogues were easy... the rest? Not so much._

“Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared rose, professional mask firmly in place, “That would be me, Sir.”

“Good, great... We really liked you at your primary audition; and I think you fit in with my vision for this show beautifully-” The diminutive balding man enthused as he led him deeper into the building.

“I’m happy to hear that, thank you,”

“Now, we have already more-or-less made our decision on your co-star as well... we think he fits the description to a ‘T’... but what remains to be seen is how you guys play against each other,”

“I... I look forward to meeting him.”

The balding man nodded, pushing open a door, “Here, Mr. Ackles is already waiting inside. We’ll start the scene as soon as you guys are ready.”

Jared froze for the fraction of a moment at the name before his eyes brightened as they settled on familiar green, “Hello, Big brother.”

Jensen Ackles grinned, standing up and opening his arms wide to welcome the younger man with a hug, “Hey, Sammy. Long time no see. ... Like the surprise?”

Jared blushed, tightening his arms slightly to whisper into the older man’s ears, “Love it, thank you, Sir. This is the best birthday present ever.”

***

In the next room, Eric Kripke grinned as he stared as the screen. They hadn’t even started the scene yet, but he had already made his decision, “Everybody, I think we have found our Sam and Dean Winchester.”

** The End. **


End file.
